My Mother

The name of my mother is Adesola Aduke Abiola-Jacobs. She is the first wife of late Prince Adegboyega Adekunle Abiola. I am the second child and second girl out of her four children.
She gave birth to me when she was Twenty-Six years old. We have always had a close and cordial relationship. Unfortunately, We’ve spent more years apart than together in my thirty-eight years on earth.
When I was seven years old, she took all her children to her mother, including myself to school and live with her, because she was transferred to the north in her place of work.
She was a civil servant at National Cereals Research Institution (NCRI), moor plantation Ibadan. In 1985, She was transferred to Bida, Niger state and because she was having problems in her marriage (My Dad married a second wife) she did not hesitate to accept transfer and move to the North. Hence, she made the decision to take us to her mother to live with her.
It was a difficult time in my life. I missed her a lot, But learnt to live without her pretty fast. She use to come home every month end to see us but it was never the same.
I lost my concentration in my studies and started performing awfully academically. In 1987, I failed my promotional exam to primary four and was asked to repeat primary 3. My parents were very concerned about my academic performance. My mum decided to move me from a public school to a private school with the hope of improving my academic performance.
My immediate brother and I were moved to live with her father where I was enrolled in a private primary school. This moved caused a positive turn around in my academic life.
I later went back home to live with my father and siblings when I gained admission into secondary school. By this time, my mum has retired from NCRI and had travelled to England to work. She stayed abroad till I was about entering my senior secondary class one (s.s.1).
She stayed with us till I left secondary school, the she travelled back to England. I did not see her again  until Twelve years later, after I have finished my university education, started and finished law school, got married, practice as a lawyer and about to leave an abusive marriage.
It was very difficult living without the close and intimate mother/daughter relationship we had, and the constant conversation on the phone did little or nothing to ease my pain. I know she missed her children too, but because the agreement between her and my father was that she should be responsible for our school fees, she had no choice but to stay aboard and work while the money she sends home is use to educate her children.
She came back home just at the time I need her most. Despite the fact that she was disappointed and unhappy that my marriage didn’t work out, she stood by me and gave me her love and support.
Even though she did not know the full extent of the horrors I was facing in my failed marriage she did not fail me by placing public opinion and criticism above the interest of her child but weathered the storm with me.
My mother is a mother indeed. She’s caring, compassionate, kind, considerate, God-fearing, Loyal and Responsible. She has suffered a lot to ensure that my siblings and I are catered for while growing up, even till now. She’s very prayerful, always committing us to the hands of the almighty God.
Being strong and decisive person who gas ahead to do whatever God lays in my heart to do, irrespective of unfavorable conditions, many a times I have placed my mother in very uncomfortable positions, stretching her more than i should, physically, financially, emotionally and psychologically, yet, she never fails to support and be there for me.
My mother! She is worth more than a thousand diamonds.
She is priceless in worth and value.
 A true friend to all her children.
Though we are very different in personality and sometimes our priorities are also different, the love we share binds us together at all times we are more like friends nowadays than mother and daughter.
My mother has taught me how to be a good mother. She has supported me to be all God lays in my heart to be my prayer is that she will eat the fruits of her labour for long. She will live to see my children and my children’s children in Jesus Name.
Many mothers have done well but my mother has surpassed them all gallantly. This write-up is dedicated to all good mothers all over the world.
Life is to be enjoyed and not to be endured

Stop The Blame Game

Take responsibility for your life and stop the blame game. There will always be people,things, events and circumstances to blame for the wrongs in our lives, until we decide to accept the responsibility for all that occurred to us, we will never be able to let go of the past and make progress in life. To create the future we want, we must take responsibility for that future.
 Stop blaming your country, the government, the economy, your alma mata,  your parents, siblings, family, friends, ex, work place and so on for your problems. Stop seeing the wrongs in others without owning your part of the blame. For your part plays the major role in the occurrence of events. And until you own the responsibility of allowing those occurrences, you'll always be blaming others for your own mistakes. You'll always be playing the victim. You'll not grow, and mature and do better. You'll not take charge as you should and personally see to ensuring that things are the way you want it in your life.
 No one can be more responsible for your life than you are. So there is a problem if you are not responsible for your life. Being responsible for one's life include taking responsibility for the good and the bad. The victories and the failures. The joy and the sorrow. The pains and the gains.
 When things are not working, take responsibility and do your part to make things work. If you are depressed and sad, take responsibility and make yourself happy by doing things and engaging people that makes you happy. When you are broke, take responsibility till your needs are met. Don't play being helpless and hopeless, blaming others for your state. Take responsibility for the change you need. When you need help, take responsibility. When you need new friends, take responsibility. When you need fresh opportunities, take responsibility for getting them.
 At all times, take responsibility for your life and stop wasting your time and resources on the blame game. Lots of love!
 Life is to be enjoyed and not to be endured! 

Perfect Solution To Problems

Do as to others as you want done to you. When people are bad, and negative and cruel towards you, never allow their deeds to influence your behaviour. Maintain your good nature despite everything . I'm not advocating for stupidity or condoning abuse. I'm saying that one can stay true to him/herself and at the same time have zero tolerance for cruelty.
 It's a shame and error when good people turn bad in a bid to prevent or correct an injustice suffered. Good is to overcome evil, not the other way round. It is double jeopardy when one is treated badly and one also loses one's nature in the process.
You win over evil when you refuse to be corrupted by evil. Fight for your life, right, dignity, happiness, progress, convictions and so on. However do so while maintaining a good and positive disposition.
 Let it never be said that you are as bad as the people that wronged you. Don't ever allow your name, reputation and honour be questioned.  Do all in your power to prevent doing things or reacting to pain or injustice in a way that will drag your name in the mud. You win when you fight good with evil, right with wrong. You win when you don't allow the pain and agony of your experience to change you negatively. You stay strong and indomitable when you resist wrong doing while refusing to do wrong also.
 Life is to be enjoyed and not to be endured! 

Dual Responsibility In Marriage

My people, come and let us reason together. Can one hand lift a load? Can there be movement with one leg? If the answer is no, then why do some people think that in marriage, only one person should be responsible and accountable? Why do some people preach that only one person should do all the loving, giving, sacrificing and submitting?
It is high time we tell ourselves and our children ( both male and female) that a successful marriage is the joint responsibility of both husband and wife. Any marriage where only one person does all is a slave camp.
 No one should be made to lose his or her humanity by being made a modern day slave in the name of marriage. A man that is not responsible and accountable to his wife is not entitled to same from his wife. Any woman that is not responsible and accountable to her husband is not entitled to same from her husband.
 And when one party falls short of his/her duty, it's not okay to expect the failed partner to bear all, except he or she chooses to do so willingly. In that instance, free will is involved. There are no hard and fast rule about marriage, it's all about free will and the agreement of the people involved.
 Marriage is for the two people in it first and foremost. It's not for just one partner. Decisions should be made in agreement, putting into consideration the interest of the two parties. If you are married to someone that does not care about your interest, happiness or feelings, you do not have to accept that. You cannot be happy being subjected to that psychological abuse constantly.
 Marriage is to be enjoyed and not to be endured. Marriage is not supposed to be a slave camp. Enjoy your marriage, don't endure it. Set a good example for your children. Make your life worth living by making it a good life. Be a wonderful spouse and insist on enjoying the same treatment from your spouse. I wish you all the very best.
Life is to be enjoyed and not to be endured! 

Pretencious Life

I watch the modern day reality shows on TV and I see a lot of people living a pretentious life. I look around me in the real world and I see some people doing the same. This makes me wonder whether having money to pay for cable is doing some people good or bad. Lol!

I say this because there is nothing good or advantageous in living a life of pretence. It's make-believe, it's fake, it's not real! What beauty is there in creating a fake image and persona just to impress people? Some people are the exact opposite of the image and impression they create. They love eating swallows (eg Eba, Amala, fufu etc) but pretend they can't stand the sight of these types of food in public. They eat spaghetti and rice at parties while making sure they openly condemn those that are eating swallows publicly with pride.

Some people are praying to land a rich and well to do partner, yet they condemn anyone that openly declares the same desire. They put their noses in the air and look down with superiority complex and say that it's not good to be choosy. As if they have it all together.

Pretentious people will  like something and they will claim to dislike it. They pretend to be rich when they are not, they form being happy when they are the saddest humans on earth. Everything about such people is fake. Their smile is fake. Their lifestyle is make-believe. Their lives is filled with all sort of drama. Their relationships are shallow and meaningless. Their words are empty and worthless.  Everything about them is an illusion.

I wonder why people like pretence when life is already complicated as it is. Why do pretentious people add more complications to their lives?. The answer I came up with is that people pretend because they want to belong, they want to blend, they don't want to face the truth of their lives and deal with it. They believe that the only way to be happy is by pretending to have it better than others and fake it. So that gullible people will envy them and stuffs like that.

I don't believe in such reasoning at all. I believe in being real. Be who you are both in public and privately. A pretentious life cannot stand the test of time. Build a good and real life for yourself. You don't have to copy the fake life others are living. You are at your best when you are the real you, crude or refined.

Life is to be enjoyed and not to be endured! 

Who Is To Make The Important Decisions In Your Life?

Sometimes we are tempted to delegate to our loved ones the duty of making important decisions in our lives for one reason or another. It could be because we feel overwhelmed, or confused, or indifferent, or we feel that the loved one we are delegating to is better informed or matured than us.
 Whatever may be the compelling reason for wanting to delegate the making of important decisions in our lives, we should not. While it is wisdom to seek advice and counsel from loved ones, professionals and trained personnel, we have to always be conscious of our duty to have the last say over every important decisions in our lives.
 For when all the chips are down, you'll be responsible and accountable for those decisions. You are the one that will bear the consequences of those decisions, whether good or bad. You are the one that will live with those decisions.
 So make your decisions and live the life you believe in. That is when you can say you're living your own life, and not the life of someone else. A life you'll be proud of. A life you will be able to defend and celebrate. For that is when others will be able to celebrate you.
 Life is to be enjoyed and not to be endured! 

Loving Your Perfect Imperfection

My late Grandpa's favorite abuse whenever I offend him is the size and colour of my eye balls. I grew up being very conscious of them with mixed feelings, depending on my mood. Sometimes, I'll like them, at other times; I cannot stand looking at them in the mirror while growing up.

 I've always had big boobs compared to most of my mates. Like every other thing, some of them will openly admire them, while some make fun of me. And because of their weight, I sometimes find myself siding with those that make fun of and dislike my big boobs.
 Since I gained admission into the University, I've been on the big side. I'm a big and fabulous Diva with ample sized thighs, tummy and buttocks. In a world of figure eight and hour-glassed shape, I've faced my fair share of body shaming and criticism. Despite the fact that I honestly don't have an issue with my big amazon size, I've not been allowed to be blind to the defects and flaws in being a plus sized woman.
 I am a friendly, loving, kind and open person, to a fault as I've been made to believe by those that pity me when I'm taken advantaged of by people. This has made me very cynical of my personality, though I find I don't want to change, because changing will stop me from being me, from being happy. I'll rather bear the risk of being taken advantage of.
 I can go on and on.  There are so many imperfections in my life, my body, soul and probably spirit; but I have learned to love all my perfect imperfections. I am learning to love everything that makes me Me . All the things that I cannot change about me, all the things I don't need to change about me and all the things I don't want to change about me.
 Self-acceptance is key. There are lots of people going under the knife and yet, they are not happy with their body. A lot of African women bleach their skins and end up damaging their body. Why don't we just learn to accept ourselves without endangering our lives in a bid to attain perfection? Perfection is whatever we say is perfect. We must learn to love our perfect imperfections. We are beautiful the way we are. Our imperfection makes us perfect.
 We are a complete package, and we are perfect for the purpose for which we are alive. With all our imperfections. Look into the mirror and admire every inch of your body. Look into your heart and admire your soul. Look into your spirit and love who you are. While we aim to be a better human being, love the being you wish to make better.
 Life is to be enjoyed and not to be endured! 

Stop Condoning Abuse

Most of us have not consciously taken time to know, accept and love our person. Instead of loving ourselves, we look for people to love. Forgetting that we cannot give what we do not have.  Instead of loving ourselves, we look for people to love us. Forgetting that we cannot attract what we do not have. How many of us count ourselves worthy of the good things of life? I know we pray and say with our mouths that we want these things, but do we really believe we are worthy of them and that we will truly have them? Or we just say good things with our mouth while in our hearts we believe something else. Do you know you're valuable as a woman?  Do you know you are valuable as a man? I ask these questions because in my course of work, I see a lot of people allowing other human beings to treat them like dirt, like nothing without actively seeking a way of escape. I see women that are beaten, starved and stripped naked and they still allow their perpetrators who call themselves husbands to exercise husbandly rights over them. What makes some women/men allow abuse, torture, and violence against their persons? Why do people in abusive relationships condone the evil acts of their abusers? Why are such victims excusing away the wicked deeds that strips them of their human dignity? Why do they lie to cover up for their abusers? Why are they making an enemy of anyone that tries to help them get out of the abuse they suffer? I was a victim of abuse at different times in my life. I was a willing captive until I started walking in love towards myself. Until I started believing in my heart that I'm worthy of love, respect and human dignity, I was not able to deliver myself from my abusers. When I started seeing myself as valuable, and worthy of good things, it became impossible to accept abuse and maltreatment from anyone. I am not standing in judgement of people that are condoning abuse in their lives presently, no one can force or hurry the process. When the right time comes, you won't need to be told what to do. I only hope we will not endanger our lives with delay. You can still fall in love with Yourself. It's never too late. Love yourself enough to say No to abuse. Life is to be enjoyed and not to be endured! 

Be Mindful Of Your Wishes Too

I used to do things or take decisions against my better judgement in the past, just to please people or to show respect/regards for people I respect. But I found out with time that anytime I do this, things don't turn out well. At least, not for me. Sometimes, not for anyone else.

In Africa, especially in Nigeria, we bring up our children to always defer to our wishes. We train them to believe that doing this is a sign of respect and home trainning. It is perfectly okay for us to do so, as long as we balance such training with encouraging them to have a mind of their own, to express their opinions respectfully and to always follow their inner leading when faced with contrary opinion (s) from people on important issues.

While it is good and necessary to guide and mentor our children, we must be careful not to pattern their lives to be a replica of our own or to punish them for the mistakes we made in ours. As dear as your children are to you, they are different from you. They have their own destinies to fulfil. After training them in the right way, we must allow them to be an individual in their own right. We must teach them how to be responsible and accountable. And there is no way we can do this but by giving them the freedom to make their own decisions. After counselling and advising them, leave them to grow up.

The same thing goes for us as adults with aged parents. We can't keep running to Mummy and Daddy every time we're faced with difficulties in life. It's great to have them to lean on for support, but we must have a mind of our own and learn to know what we want from life and go for it despite all the risk(s) involved.

If we don't start taking risk and go for what we want now, when are we going to do so? Is it when we turn grey and our time has past? Life is all about taking risk, it's about going for our dreams. It's about using our hands to create the life we want. It's about believing in ourselves, following our hearts/destinies, and staying true to our faith.

Life is about saying No or Yes as the case may be when that is what your heart says, irrespective of who might be hurt by your answer.

Because when all chips are done, you'll bear the consequence of every decision made in your life. So therefore, make all the important decisions in your life your decision.

Life is to be enjoyed and not to be endured!

Abuse Of Position

I frown in disgust and disapproval when I hear stories of husbands and wives that denies their spouses of sex and intimacy whenever they are angry with or wants to punish the spouse. It's such an abuse of position!

Your spouse's wellbeing and happiness should be your priority, because you are the custodian of his/her heart. Now, knowing you have power over your spouse and using the power to harm or make your spouse unhappy is horrible. It's manipulative, it's abusive, it's evil,  it's irresponsible,  it's a breach of trust, vow and covenant. It's wrong and totally unacceptable.

The victimized spouse is justified if he/she leaves the marriage. For being subjected to such treatments for a long period of time takes a toil on a person. I don't believe someone that truly loves his/her partner will intentionally cause pain. That is not love. We have to stop calling harmful and wicked acts love. We have to dissuade our hearts from excusing wrong deeds in the name of love.

Lets call a spade a spade. We have bastardized the word "Love" so much that most people have lost faith in it. Love is beautiful if it is true. And we have a duty to make our love true. If everyone will take responsibility for their love, I'm sure the world will be a better place. We'll have more true love in our lives.

But when we try to force others to love us by manipulating them, that is not love. And such deeds will not provoke love from your spouse. Instead, it will only provoke discord and distance.

Life is to be enjoyed and not to be endured!

Self Care

I used to think that the only way I'm to take care of myself is to bath regularly, feed and cloth my body, and sleep. I did not understand what quality life is until I travelled abroad and met people with different and advanced understanding. Then I realised that taking care of myself means much more. 

Taking care of one's self includes seeing to your well being spirit, soul and body. Seeing to your happiness, comfort and honour. Being abreast of your rights, potentials, opportunities, and welfare to the best of your ability. 

So your ability has to be enhanced and horned for you to be able to do a good job. You horn your ability through reading, learning from people, travelling to different places and observing to improve on yourself and so on.

Don't be a local champion. Keep improving on your life. Keep learning. Make your life an adventure of development and improvement. 

Life is to be enjoyed and not to be endured!

Love Making, Sex, Assaault

Love making is a duty of love in marriage. It's something we are to do willingly and lovingly. The husband and wife must never forget that the claim of ownership they mutually exercise over one another is given in love, and it is with love that they'll continue the legitimate use of it.

The moment a man/woman stops giving regards to his/her wife's/husband's needs, feelings and dignity, sexual relation between them stops being "Love-making" and it becomes "sex".

Sex is not bad, though it's not the same as love making. However, care, respect and a measure of satisfaction can still be derived from sex, so we can call it second best to love making.

However, the same carelessness that deteriorated the sexual relationship of husband and wife from love making to sex will deteriorate the relationship between them further from sex to sexual abuse/assault where one spouse exert control, domination, and the other spouse becomes passive and  oppressed.

Sexual relation is not fun without love, respect, care and consideration. A man/woman who has vowed to give his/her body to his/her spouse has every right to revoke such right if it's being abused or/ and misused.

Because the promise of access was given based on the existence of the fundamental principles of trust, integrity, love, agreement and mutual respect. Once these principles are no longer in place, the terms of the sexual relationship / marriage has been violated/broken, and there is need for a re-negotiation. If during the re-negotiation, the parties are able to reach an agreement, good.  If not, they are better off going their separate ways, till they come to a mutually acceptable conclusion.

There is no point making a bad situation worse. If an unfavourable situation can still be managed, it should be managed by all means. But if a situation is unmanageable, stop suffering in silence and effect the necessary change(s) needed.

Life is to be enjoyed and not to be endured!

Be In Control

Never be a slave to your emotions. No matter how much you love someone, be in control of your emotions enough to tell him/her off whenever they step out of line. I used to find it difficult to express my feelings to people I love and hold in high esteem out of fear of hurting them. But I discover that such people end up hurting me more till the relationship is negatively affected.

Another thing I used to do is to keep quiet after a while of expressing my displeasure to a loved one and there seems not to be a positive change in the person's actions. I just give up and endure so as to maintain peace.

With time, such people starts exhibiting more disrespectful and hurting behavior  towards me and everything goes downhill from there.

So experience has thought me never to keep quiet when I'm not okay with a person's  behaviour, actions or attitude. Life has thought me never to shy away from addressing important issues in my relationships in  bid to maintain temporary peace.

I've learnt that relationships grow stronger when issues are dealt with and not ignored or swept under the carpet. And relationships are destroyed when we allow issues to get out of control out of fear, timidity or cowardice.

It's only the courageous that gets the best out of everything. in life, we've got to be courageous to be happy.

Life is to be enjoyed and not to be endured!

Dealing With Depression

Depression is a waste of time, opportunities, emotions and a sure indication of ignorance. I've been a constant companion of depression, so I know. I wish I didn't waste so much on depression before discovering this truth. 

My first introduction to depression was during my failed marriage. For four years, depression became my intimate enemy. Nothing I did made it leave. Even when I was with friends and loved ones, depression held unto me with a death hold. 

I prayed, fasted and sowed seeds, but depression had no mercy on me. I tried to make myself happy by eating, dancing to praise and worship songs but I only got temporary respite. I read, made friends and buried my head in work, but nothing delivered me from depression. 

I cried to God for help, and God made me realise that until I deal with the issue/thing/person,  cause and source of the depression, I will remain a captive in the hands of the spirit of depression. 

So I did a lot of soul searching to find out why I was depressed. It was a painful exercise. It brought out a lot of negative feelings and truth I wanted to ignore. Feelings and emotions I would have preferred not to face, but since I had come to realize that the only way out of my constant state of depression was to know the things that troubles me, I summoned the courage to do what I had to do. 

After knowing the things that was causing me sorrow, pain and chronic depression, I realised I had to do something about them, or else the status quo will remain. 

Then I started trying all sorts to change the things I discovered was totally unacceptable for me. Where it involved someone else, I engaged that person in dialogue, expressing my feelings and discovery, appealing to him/her for co-operation in effecting a positive change. I kept in mind the fact that I have no control over the other person's action and choices. This helps in not placing unrealistic expectations/pressure on myself. I also reminded myself of the duty to respect the other person's decisions, while I respect my right to do what's best for myself at the same time. 

At the end of the day, I dealt with the issues troubling me and depression disappeared from my life. Then the issues that I couldn't deal with because I had no control over them, I learned not to allow such issues to bother me. I learned to take responsibility for how I respond and handle such issues in such a way that I'll not be controlled and manipulated in anyway by it.

We've got to know that the solution to depression is not medication. That's only palliative. The true solution to depression is facing the truth of what troubles you and finding a lasting and acceptable solution (s) to it. 

You must back your prayer and fasting with decisive actions to solve life issues/problems. It's not by folding your arms and waiting for an external saviour(s) to come and deliver you. You are your saviour. Fight for your life. Face your problems, stop living in denial. 

I saw a definition of stupidity online some days ago and it caught my attention. It says stupidity is knowing the truth, seeing the truth in action and speech, but refusing to accept the truth. 

Life is a gift. You have complete right and control over how your life will be, as long as you are willing to exercise that right. It is those who take charge of their lives and insist on ensuring a good life for themselves that gets the best out of life. Make your life worth living. 

Life is to be enjoyed and not to be endured!

Love Is A Combination Of Giving And Receiving

I always wonder whenever I hear some men complaining about their wives. Because as a woman I know how vulnerable and eager to please a woman's heart is towards the man in her life. How tender and mailable a woman's heart is towards a true lover. 

There is nothing a woman cannot do for her man if he is true to her. No price is too high, no pain is too much, no sacrifice is too great. 

Even some women with irresponsible husbands are still faithful and loyal to their men, just because they are married to him, not to talk of husbands that claim to be dutiful and loving. 

This therefore brought a question to mind. Is it that these men are lying against their wives? Or there are women that are the exception to the rule? 

The rule of women being loving, dutiful, faithful and loyal to their men. The rule of women being good managers and keepers of the home. 

It could be that it's actually a combination of the two theories. I mean, some women can not just stand being with an irresponsible and useless man. They would rather be alone than to stay in such a marriage, especially if the man is bent on staying irresponsible. I'm one of such women. Life is about rub my back, I rub your back. There are no free lunches. We have to be useful to one another before you can have the best of me. What's the point in giving you my all when you lack the capacity to appreciate my worth? To give, you have to receive. To receive, you have to give. This rule operate even in the marriage relationship. The idea of a wife or husband doing all the giving and the other spouse enjoying the privileges without reciprocating is from the pit of hell. 

Call yourself any name, if you only take and you do not give back, you are worthless. And it will do your spouse good not to keep investing in you, as bitter as that truth may sound. Everyone wants to experience love in life, most especially from the people they are married to. It's only fair to walk in love with someone that walks in love with you. 

So when I hear men complaining about their wives, I always tell them to examine themselves and be sure they are not falling short in their responsibilities before they condemn their wives. For apart from the few exceptions, women are naturally conditioned to walk in love with the man that holds their hearts. If a woman fails to do so, that means the man is not handling her heart well.

Life is to be enjoyed and not to be endured!