Harmful Traditional Practices

 Harmful traditional practices are all traditional behaviour, attitudes or practices, which negatively affect the fundamental rights of women, girls, or any person. It includes harmful widowhood practices, denial of inheritance or succession rights, female genital mutilation or female circumcision, forced marriage and forced isolation from family and friends.

Section Twenty (20), Sub-Section One (1) of the Violence Against Persons (Prohibition) Act, 2015 states that a person who carries out harmful traditional practices on another commits an offence and is liable on conviction to a term of imprisonment not exceeding four (4) years or to a fine not exceeding #500,000 or both.

 Sub-Section Two (2) of the Act states that a person who attempts to commit the act of violence of harmful traditional practices commits an offence and is liable on conviction to a term of imprisonment not exceeding two (2) years or to a fine not exceeding #300,000 or both.

Sub-Section three (3) of the Act states that a person who incites, aids, abets, or counsels another person to commit the act of violence of harmful traditional practice commits an offence and is liable on conviction to a term of imprisonment not exceeding two (2) years or to a fine not exceeding #300,000 or both.

Sub-Section four (4) of the Act says that a person who receives or assists another who, to his or her knowledge, committed the offence of carrying out harmful traditional practice (s) on another person, is an accessory after the fact and is liable on conviction to a term of imprisonment not exceeding two (2) years or to a fine not exceeding #200,000 or both.

Laws are enacted to govern the conducts of the people, after careful consultation and deliberation by the Legislative arm of government. The cries of victims of harmful traditional practices and their loved ones has reached the right ears and it is now a crime. It is left to us as a people to make the law effective by leveraging on it.

Life is to be enjoyed and not to be endured! 

Is Your Kindness Aiding and Abetting?

Some people while trying to be good friends will unknowingly set themselves up for a prison sentence if they are not careful and mindful of the provision in Section (2) Sub-section (3) and (4) of the Violence Against Persons (Prohibition) Act, 2015 which states that a person who incites, aids, abets, or counsels another person to commit an act of violence commits an offence and is liable on conviction to a term of imprisonment not exceeding three (3) years or to a fine not exceeding #200,000 or both.

A person who receives or assists another who, to his knowledge commits an offence (a violent bodily injury/harm on another person) is an accessory after the fact and is liable on conviction to a term of imprisonment not exceeding three (3) years or to a fine not exceeding #200,000 or both.

Hear the town crier's voice people. Advising a friend to beat up his/her wife/husband is now a criminal offence punishable by a prison sentence if convicted. Encouraging your son, brother, uncle, relative to be the man by physically abusing his wife/children is now a crime under the law. Religious leaders that counsel husbands to beat their wives, desist from so doing, for a prison sentence hangs over your head once it can be established that you give such counsel in a court of law.

Anyone that accommodate, house, assist a husband/wife that beats up or maimed his/her wife/husband, with the knowledge of the crime committed by such a husband/wife is guilty of an offence under sub-section 4 of the Act. Anyone that assist an offender from running away from being prosecuted for a crime committed under the provision of this Act shall be liable to go to prison if convicted.

So be mindful of the kinds of friends you keep. The last thing we want to do is to have a husband/wife beater as a friend. Or a violent person generally. Anyone that is prone to physical violence has become a high maintenance friend. Don't become an accessory after the fact for an offensive friend, watch your back!

Life is to be enjoyed and not to be endured! 

A Slap Makes You A Criminal

Section (2) (1) - (2) of the Violence Against Persons (Prohibition) Act, 2015 states that a person who willfully causes or inflicts physical injury on another person by means of any weapon, substance or object, commits an offence and is liable on conviction to a term for imprisonment not exceeding five (5) years or a fine not exceeding One Hundred Thousand (#100,000) or both. 

 

A person who attempts to commit the act of violence provided for above, commits an offence and is liable on conviction to a term of imprisonment not exceeding three (3) years or to a fine not exceeding Two Hundred Thousand Naira (#200,000) or both.

 

In layman's language, what the law above means is that beating, slapping, hitting, bitting, kicking and  committing any kind of vicious bodily harm on another person in your private life (wife, husband, children, relatives) and public life (employees, employers, colleagues, clients, strangers etc) is a crime that can land one in prison if convicted (found guilty) in a court of law.

 

Gone are the days that a husband will claim he is exercising his husbandly right by beating up his wife when he is angry with her. Except such a wife is self-destructive, she is to go to the police station and report the criminal offence committed against her by her husband, and he will be prosecuted by the state. Battered wives and husbands, the law to vindicate you has been passed, it is now left to you to make use of it or not. No one can put a stop to the physical abuse you're going through apart from you. The best the State can do is to pass laws that will protect the rights of its citizens and punish offenders when found guilty of committing an offence. It is the duty of citizens to report perpetrators to the appropriate authorities for the law passed to become effective and serve the purpose for which it was passed; which is to curb the prevalence of crime by punishing offenders.

 

As good citizens, we all have a duty to co-operate and do our part by not allowing sentiments and pressure from stopping us from reporting offenders, no matter who they are; husbands, brothers, uncles, sisters, aunties, friends, etc.

 

The law even says that an attempt to commit the crime of physical violence against another person is punishable under the law!. This means that even if the perpetrator did not succeed in harming the victim, as long as an attempt to do so was made, a crime has been committed. A crime punishable by a prison sentence, fine or both. So abusive individuals/spouses beware! If a person throws a knife at another person and it can be proved that he/she intended to cause bodily harm to that other person, even though the knife did not hit the person, the person who threw the knife will be found guilty of committing an offence under Section 2 Sub-Section 2 of the Act.

 

Join me tomorrow lovely people as I continue sharing the provisions under one of my favourite Nigerian Law, the Violence Against Persons (Prohibition) Act, 2015. Lots of love.

 

Life is to be enjoyed and not to be endured! 

Weapons of Rape

There is a new law in Nigeria that I believe everyone needs to be aware of its provisions.  Ignorance is not an excuse in law. It is therefore wise for us to be abreast of relevant laws that are applicable to our every day relation with other people. The provisions in this new  Act are very radical for they address a lot of issues that were previously unattended to in our laws, thereby making a criminal offence many an act considered acceptable in the past.

The Law I'm referring to is the 'Violence Against Persons ( Prohibition) Act, 2015. I'll be sharing the provisions in this Act with us, creating scenarios that will make these provisions easily understandable in layman's language. Take time to follow as I share the provisions of this wonderful Law with you. Knowledge is power. An informed mind is an asset.  You'll never know when the knowledge you acquire will serve you, your loved ones and people in your life right.

The Violence Against Persons ( Prohibition) Act, 2015 prohibits all forms of violence against person in private and public life, and provides maximum protection and effective remedies for victims and punishment of offenders.

Section 1 ( 1) ( a-c) defines Rape thus- A person commits the offence of rape if he or she intentionally penetrates the vagina, anus or mouth of another person with any other part of his or her body or anything else without the consent of that person, or the consent is obtained by force, or means of threat, intimidation of any kind or by fear of harm,  or by means of false and fraudulent representation as to the nature of the act, or the use of any substance or additive capable of taking away the will of such person, or in the case of a married person, by impersonating his or her spouse.

To interpret these in layman's language, it is not only when a man penetrates a woman's vagina with his sexual organ without her consent that he is guilty of raping her, it is also rape when he uses other parts of his body like finger, big toes, tongue, etc to penetrate her vagina. It is rape even if he uses objects like stick, fruits etc to violate her. The definition of rape had been extended to include these things because victims violated in the past with these things could not be said to have been raped since the law's definition of rape mentioned only sexual organs. But with this new law, such victims can get justice in a court of law as victims of rape.

Also, consent given out of force, coercion, threat, false representation ( e.g telling a minor that sticking a carrot in her vagina is not a sexual act), fraudulent representation (e.g telling a girl that if you have sex with her, she will be cured of menstrual pain), fear of harm, the use of alcohol, drugs and other harmful substance  and so on. Impersonating (that is pretending to be) the husband or wife of someone and having sex with him/her while doing so is a criminal offence of rape.

Consent given in all the circumstances listed above is no consent under the law. It is considered to be taking undue advantage of the victim involved. We can all see that the crime of rape is much more than when the victim did not give consent. Consent fraudulently got qualifies as rape through the Violence Against Persons (Prohibition) Act, 2015.

Life is to be enjoyed and not to be endured! 

No Limit!

There is no limit to what we can be, the height we can attain, the achievement of our dreams, the opportunities in life, and the potentials within us. The limitation we experience is in our mind. If we can remove every form of limitation from our minds by believing that nothing is impossible for us to do if we are meant to do it,  we'll see all impossibilities becoming possible in our lives. There is nothing impossible if we can believe. There is no one beyond reach, no goal is untainable. No desire is unachievable. No dream is too big, too late, too small, too hard.
 Remove every self-imposed limitation you've placed over your life. Don't say what you want is not worth the effort of bringing it to pass. Don't say fighting for your wellbeing and future is impossible. Who says it's impossible? Because it will be difficult does not mean it cannot be done. You can start all over again if necessary. You can insist on what is right in your relationship/marriage till it's done. You can change that adverse situation you've in. It's not too late. It's not impossible. If there is a will, there is a way.
 Nothing is impossible for those who believe. You must believe that you deserve to be happy. You must believe you deserve to live a decent life. You deserve the enjoyment of your human rights. When you believe all these and more, it becomes possible for you to go all out and do your part in ensuring you enjoy these rights and impossibility becomes a limitation you cannot afford. You remove the very existence of the word and its meaning in your life. As a man thinks, so is he. Remove all mental limitations in your mind, and you'll see your self soaring and your dreams coming to fruition.
 Life is to be enjoyed and not to be endured! 

When there is Life, there is Hope.

 A lot of times as human beings,  we get upset when things don't turn out as we expect, or when we expect or in the circumstances we expect. We want what we want,  when we want it and with whom we want it. We feel secured only when things go our way. But the truth is that everything cannot go our way. We cannot always have what we want and the ability to handle this truth and accept it will go a long way in helping us to maximise the opportunities in every situation we find yourself.
 For clarification, I am not saying we cannot have what we want, I'm saying we cannot ALWAYS do. And when we get to have what we want, we do not have the power to control the how and when and where of it. We've got to trust the process, pick our battles and stay positive.
 It is not healthy to see your life and situation in a negative light. Every disappointment is a blessing. Delay is not denial. Stop seeing the delay of a need or blessing as bad. There is a right time for everything in your life. And everything is made beautiful at the right time. Be patient, be positive, be full of hope! When there is life, there is hope!
 While waiting for a blessing, don't fold your hands. Keep working, keep living, keep making impact. Enjoy your life. Be a source of joy to people around you. Never look down on yourself. Don't allow anyone to steal your peace. Stay focused. Do your part, and all will be well.
 See life's challenges as a stepping stone to your greatness and fulfilment in life. What you are going through presently is not a mistake. There is a good reason/purpose for your pain. No pain, no gain. Your future is bright. For every pain and shame you suffer, you shall have double joy.
 Life is to be enjoyed and not to be endured!

Abusers Are Habitual Liars.

 

If you are involved with an abusive person, you must learn and master how to process his/her speech rightly. The truth of an abuser is more often than not a lie. The aim of an abuser is to destroy, damage, deceive, control, manipulate and oppress the person he/she is abusing. To be able to do all these, he/she must get that person ( the victim) to believe his/her lies. So the abuser attacks the self-confidence, self-esteem, self-worth and dignity of the abused, through derogatory words and actions.

 

Gradually chipping away the victim's emotional and mental health. The abuser makes the abused feel like a nobody (irrelevant, useless, unworthy, unattractive),a liability and a hang on. In no time, the abused starts feeling that the abuser is doing him/her a huge favour by managing him/her as a partner. The abused becomes totally dependant on the abuser, having been stripped of his/her individuality, faith in self and all healthy feelings for self. That is when a victim starts rationalising the abuse, holding him or her self responsible for the vicious attacks the abuser constantly unleash. The victim becomes a willing captive that takes up the blame for the abuse. He or she has been conditioned overtime (without being aware of it) to believe that he/she deserves to be ill-treated and abused.

 

But with time, through relationship with other people, or  by re- connecting  with someone from the past, a victim becomes aware of the drastic negative change that had occurred in him or her which usually prompt a self re-evaluation and assessment.

 

It will serve a victim well while trying to sort out issues,  to believe the opposite of whatever the abuser say about his/her person. If the abuser say that you are ugly,  he or she is saying you are handsome/beautiful. If the abuser says you are worthless and useless, he or she is saying that you are priceless and deserves better. If the abuser says "you cannot make it without me", he or she actually means "You can do without me and I'm scared of that fact."

 

Being able to see through an abuser's lies will help a victim to know the truth and be empowered by the truth. Stop believing the lies of an abuser. You are an asset and a world changer.

 

Life is to be enjoyed and not to be endured! 

Enjoying Your Man

Men are brought up to be the head of their home. It is drummed into them from childhood that they are to lead their wife and children. They are to be in charge and in control of the wife and children. They have the final say over the home. They have been elected by God for this post and all human that fights this election fights a lost battle.
 Personally I celebrate this truth. I respect and honour the post of headship given to a man over his family. It is the way it is, it is the way it should be. Call me old fashion, it is what it is. Any woman that wants to have a true man in her life will have to accept and celebrate this truth. When I say a true man, I mean a man in every sense of the word. A responsible male who knows and understand his role, purpose and placement with regards to his home.
 However, I cannot but be disgusted when I see irresponsible men who have no understanding or respect for their position as the head of the home. Men who abuse, use, feed off, maltreat, violate, manipulate, embarrass, denies, incapacitate, dehumanize, desert and damage their wives with the power they have as the head of the home.
 On the other hand, no woman will enjoy her life if she takes over the man's place as the head of the home by default. For whatever reason, a woman that takes over the role of the head of her home when her husband is alive and well is undertaking a thankless job. Everyone and everything will be against her. The husband, the children, the in-laws, her family, the society, etc. Even if she did so because the man fails to step up to his responsibilities,  she will still be blamed. So a woman must allow her husband to be the head of the home. Don't even try to unsurp his position.
 The only legitimate thing a woman have a right to do if her husband is not responsible or good to her and the children (as the head of the home) is to leave him, and not dethrone him as the head of the home while there is a home.
 Life is to be enjoyed and not to be endured!

Abuse destroys Natural Affection between A Man and his Woman

No matter how strong the love between two people are, the moment one or the two of them becomes abusive, the quality of their relationship takes a downward spiral.  There is a natural affection between two people in love, between two people in friendship and people married to one another. Tgis affection is greatly compromised by abuse.

 

There is no way the natural affection between a man and his woman will be preserved if the man or woman is an abuser. Except they fake it, how can one truly stay in love with a person that subjects one to pain, shame, harm and injuries on a constant basis? How can one even want intimacy with such a person?  Is it not that victims pretend and endure the presence, touch and person of their abuser? For peace sake.

 

If you want your partner to love you truly, stop being abusive. If you want the natural affection between you to be preserved, don't abuse one another.

Be it physical, emotional, psychological, financial, mental, spiritual, sexual and all other kinds of abuse. DON'T DO IT! or STOP IT!

 

Life is to be enjoyed and not to be endured! 

Proofs follows Conviction

It is not enough to say with our mouths that we stand against abuse, we must be willing and ready to a align our actions with our words. Is it not deception when we say we have zero tolerance for abuse, yet we look the other way when we see victims of abuse seeking our help to leave an abusive environment?

 

Is it not hypocrisy when our loved ones are abusing their family and we fail to call them to order? Are we not deluding ourselves when we are either being abused or we are abusive towards others and we pretend as if all is well?

 

If we whole heartedly believe that abuse is wrong, that it is a crime against God and humanity, then, we should live out our conviction. We should not exempt anyone from the duty of being fair and just to their fellow human beings, not even ourselves.

 

It is when we do this that we can say for a fact that we do indeed have zero tolerance for abuse; not when we cry out in outrage against an abusive act of a random stranger.

 

This is a call for action, and I speak to all of us, including myself. We have a duty to constantly check for abuse in our lives, the lives of our loved ones and those that live around us. We have a duty to speak out against abuse whenever we see it. Even if we cannot actively put a stop to it, speaking out against it goes a long way in curbing the perpetrators and in giving courage to the abused.

 

Life is to be enjoyed and not to be endured! 

Zero Tolerance for Abuse and Self Love

What does having zero tolerance for abuse mean? It means not being able to condone abuse in one's life or in the lives of other people. It means not being abusive towards yourself or other people. It means standing against every form of abuse in words, actions, and deeds.
 It means going out of your way to put a stop to abuse whenever you are in a position to do so. It means not minding people's criticism when they accuse you of interference. It means not minding the inconvenience occasioned by your selfless acts of service to stop abuse and save victims of abuse.
 It means turning your back to and disowning anyone that stands against the struggle for an abuse free world, no matter who or what they are to you. It means adopting total strangers as friends and family because they share your convictions and fight with you to birth a positive change in the world.
 It means dying to selfish desires, sentiments, manipulative love and attachments. It means heeding the call to serve the good for all humanity.  You might think you do not count and your actions does not matter but this is far from the truth. You count, and your actions matter.
 Life is to be enjoyed and not to be endured! 

Stop giving men money

Men by nature are very territorial, with a high sense of pride in their roles as provider, protector and head. Strongly tied to their identity is the performance of these roles.  A woman that wants the love and respect of her man must always keep this truth in mind while dealing with issues that affects the performance of these roles.

A lot of women love their men wrongly. They love him to death. Or to put it in a better way, they love his love for them out of him.  What do I mean? I'll explain myself. There is nothing wrong in loving your man. Nothing wrong in helping him financially. Nothing wrong in giving to him, as long as you do this with understanding.

If you are in a position to assist your man financially, instead of giving him fish, teach him how to fish and link him to the pond where to fish. Empower him to be the man God created him to be and let him find himself in the process. Don't keep handing him fish, feeding his hunger but stripping him of his dignity and pride in the process.  He will not love you for this but will resent you.  If you continue doing the same thing over a long period of time, his resentment will turn into hatred.

Also, don't take up his responsibilities at home and expect him to be grateful and appreciative. You are practically taking over his identity and you expect him to be happy? He cannot be. All the love, regards,  appreciation, and privileges attached to these duties goes to you instead of to him, how can you expect him to be okay with that? If you are in his shoes, would you be? You remove the balls of your man when you take over his duties because he is not financially capable.

Instead of doing that, support him to be able to earn more. Empower him. Invest into his business, work, endeavours, skills etc. Then let him use the money he makes from his sweat/efforts to take care of you and the children. He will appreciate and love you for helping him to be able to do this. Except if he is not a good man.

Love with knowledge women. Stop feeding your husbands. Help them to be able to feed themselves and the family. That is the help men will appreciate, love and reward.

Life is to be enjoyed and not to be endured! 

Don't Compare Yourself To Someone Else

We are all different and unique from one another. While we may share some common denominators, there are also things that set us apart from each and every person. A matured mind knows the importance of celebrating individual uniqueness/differences in people.
 There are people that are good at working under other people, while some do best when they are independent. Some are good team mates while some are lone rangers. Some are extroverts while some are introverts, and some are in between.
 I believe that everyone has something wonderful to contribute to the world. Deposited in us are gifts and talents we can bless the world with, as long as we do not look down on those gifts or ourselves. Don't allow anyone to despise you or what you have to offer, no matter how irrelevant that talent, gift, ability might seem to be.
 It is essential that you believe in yourself and your gift (s) before it can amount to anything. Whatever your gifts are, be it singing, dancing, peace-making, organizing, marketung, networking, cooking, writing, office work, field work, research, public speaking, teaching, care giving, etc; be good at it, know your efforts counts, you matter, so give it your best.
 As human beings, we tend to place more value and worth on money and prestige more than fulfilment and purpose. The happiest people are those that have discovered their purpose in life. Once your life is adding value to you and others, you are an asset. Even if you are not rich. Even if you are not where you wish to be. It's a matter of time. Stop comparing your life with the lives of other people. Face your destiny, give your best and you'll get to be among the best.
 Life is to be enjoyed and not to be endured! 

Rules Of Relationship

All relationships have rules and expectations guiding them. To excel in a particular relationship and  also enjoy all the entitlements due to you in it, you must know and understand the rules guiding that type of relationship. 

 

A wife that wants to enjoy the joy of a good husband must understand men and know how to bring out the best in her man. She must have a sound understanding of the duties, roles and responsibilities of a husband. She must also know the rights, entitlements and expectations of a good husband material.

 

A husband that wants to know the joy of having a good wife must understand the nature of women. He must know how to love and cherish a woman into submission. He must be ready to live up to his duties and responsibilities as a good head. He has to be willing to invest substance and value into his woman so as to be able to enjoy respect and honour from and through her.

 

Parents must have a proper understanding of the relationship between them and their children. They have to understand that their children are not an extension of their lives but they are unique and separate individuals in their own right. Being a father or a mother is a privilege given to mentor and be fully involved in the formation process of a human being. The power attached to this responsibility/privilege is enormous. It should not be abused or taken for granted. Rather, it should be cherished and respected, knowing fully well that the relationship you share with your child is not a static one but an evolving relationship, that will keep changing/maturing from time to time, with constant change in the dynamics of the relationship if it is to be a healthy and loving relationship. It's a well informed child that will be dutiful and responsible. And a responsible child need not necessarily be at the beck and call of his/her parents as long as provision is made for those that will be.

 

In an employer/employee relationship, punctuality, respect, accountability, honesty, integrity, honour, responsibility and intelligence is key. So also is a sense of individuality, confidence, conviction and respect for self. For people will treat you the way you allow yourself to be treated.

 

In every kind of relationship, know the rules and expectations that governs it, so that you will not be frustrated in your relationships. Align yourself with the demands placed on you, place demands on the other party (ies), ensure that your needs are being met as you meet the needs of others for a mutually beneficial relationship.

 

Life is to be enjoyed and not to be endured! 

My Mother

The name of my mother is Adesola Aduke Abiola-Jacobs. She is the first wife of late Prince Adegboyega Adekunle Abiola. I am the second child and second girl out of her four children.
She gave birth to me when she was Twenty-Six years old. We have always had a close and cordial relationship. Unfortunately, We’ve spent more years apart than together in my thirty-eight years on earth.
When I was seven years old, she took all her children to her mother, including myself to school and live with her, because she was transferred to the north in her place of work.
She was a civil servant at National Cereals Research Institution (NCRI), moor plantation Ibadan. In 1985, She was transferred to Bida, Niger state and because she was having problems in her marriage (My Dad married a second wife) she did not hesitate to accept transfer and move to the North. Hence, she made the decision to take us to her mother to live with her.
It was a difficult time in my life. I missed her a lot, But learnt to live without her pretty fast. She use to come home every month end to see us but it was never the same.
I lost my concentration in my studies and started performing awfully academically. In 1987, I failed my promotional exam to primary four and was asked to repeat primary 3. My parents were very concerned about my academic performance. My mum decided to move me from a public school to a private school with the hope of improving my academic performance.
My immediate brother and I were moved to live with her father where I was enrolled in a private primary school. This moved caused a positive turn around in my academic life.
I later went back home to live with my father and siblings when I gained admission into secondary school. By this time, my mum has retired from NCRI and had travelled to England to work. She stayed abroad till I was about entering my senior secondary class one (s.s.1).
She stayed with us till I left secondary school, the she travelled back to England. I did not see her again  until Twelve years later, after I have finished my university education, started and finished law school, got married, practice as a lawyer and about to leave an abusive marriage.
It was very difficult living without the close and intimate mother/daughter relationship we had, and the constant conversation on the phone did little or nothing to ease my pain. I know she missed her children too, but because the agreement between her and my father was that she should be responsible for our school fees, she had no choice but to stay aboard and work while the money she sends home is use to educate her children.
She came back home just at the time I need her most. Despite the fact that she was disappointed and unhappy that my marriage didn’t work out, she stood by me and gave me her love and support.
Even though she did not know the full extent of the horrors I was facing in my failed marriage she did not fail me by placing public opinion and criticism above the interest of her child but weathered the storm with me.
My mother is a mother indeed. She’s caring, compassionate, kind, considerate, God-fearing, Loyal and Responsible. She has suffered a lot to ensure that my siblings and I are catered for while growing up, even till now. She’s very prayerful, always committing us to the hands of the almighty God.
Being strong and decisive person who gas ahead to do whatever God lays in my heart to do, irrespective of unfavorable conditions, many a times I have placed my mother in very uncomfortable positions, stretching her more than i should, physically, financially, emotionally and psychologically, yet, she never fails to support and be there for me.
My mother! She is worth more than a thousand diamonds.
She is priceless in worth and value.
 A true friend to all her children.
Though we are very different in personality and sometimes our priorities are also different, the love we share binds us together at all times we are more like friends nowadays than mother and daughter.
My mother has taught me how to be a good mother. She has supported me to be all God lays in my heart to be my prayer is that she will eat the fruits of her labour for long. She will live to see my children and my children’s children in Jesus Name.
Many mothers have done well but my mother has surpassed them all gallantly. This write-up is dedicated to all good mothers all over the world.
Life is to be enjoyed and not to be endured

Stop The Blame Game

Take responsibility for your life and stop the blame game. There will always be people,things, events and circumstances to blame for the wrongs in our lives, until we decide to accept the responsibility for all that occurred to us, we will never be able to let go of the past and make progress in life. To create the future we want, we must take responsibility for that future.
 Stop blaming your country, the government, the economy, your alma mata,  your parents, siblings, family, friends, ex, work place and so on for your problems. Stop seeing the wrongs in others without owning your part of the blame. For your part plays the major role in the occurrence of events. And until you own the responsibility of allowing those occurrences, you'll always be blaming others for your own mistakes. You'll always be playing the victim. You'll not grow, and mature and do better. You'll not take charge as you should and personally see to ensuring that things are the way you want it in your life.
 No one can be more responsible for your life than you are. So there is a problem if you are not responsible for your life. Being responsible for one's life include taking responsibility for the good and the bad. The victories and the failures. The joy and the sorrow. The pains and the gains.
 When things are not working, take responsibility and do your part to make things work. If you are depressed and sad, take responsibility and make yourself happy by doing things and engaging people that makes you happy. When you are broke, take responsibility till your needs are met. Don't play being helpless and hopeless, blaming others for your state. Take responsibility for the change you need. When you need help, take responsibility. When you need new friends, take responsibility. When you need fresh opportunities, take responsibility for getting them.
 At all times, take responsibility for your life and stop wasting your time and resources on the blame game. Lots of love!
 Life is to be enjoyed and not to be endured! 

Perfect Solution To Problems

Do as to others as you want done to you. When people are bad, and negative and cruel towards you, never allow their deeds to influence your behaviour. Maintain your good nature despite everything . I'm not advocating for stupidity or condoning abuse. I'm saying that one can stay true to him/herself and at the same time have zero tolerance for cruelty.
 It's a shame and error when good people turn bad in a bid to prevent or correct an injustice suffered. Good is to overcome evil, not the other way round. It is double jeopardy when one is treated badly and one also loses one's nature in the process.
You win over evil when you refuse to be corrupted by evil. Fight for your life, right, dignity, happiness, progress, convictions and so on. However do so while maintaining a good and positive disposition.
 Let it never be said that you are as bad as the people that wronged you. Don't ever allow your name, reputation and honour be questioned.  Do all in your power to prevent doing things or reacting to pain or injustice in a way that will drag your name in the mud. You win when you fight good with evil, right with wrong. You win when you don't allow the pain and agony of your experience to change you negatively. You stay strong and indomitable when you resist wrong doing while refusing to do wrong also.
 Life is to be enjoyed and not to be endured! 

Dual Responsibility In Marriage

My people, come and let us reason together. Can one hand lift a load? Can there be movement with one leg? If the answer is no, then why do some people think that in marriage, only one person should be responsible and accountable? Why do some people preach that only one person should do all the loving, giving, sacrificing and submitting?
It is high time we tell ourselves and our children ( both male and female) that a successful marriage is the joint responsibility of both husband and wife. Any marriage where only one person does all is a slave camp.
 No one should be made to lose his or her humanity by being made a modern day slave in the name of marriage. A man that is not responsible and accountable to his wife is not entitled to same from his wife. Any woman that is not responsible and accountable to her husband is not entitled to same from her husband.
 And when one party falls short of his/her duty, it's not okay to expect the failed partner to bear all, except he or she chooses to do so willingly. In that instance, free will is involved. There are no hard and fast rule about marriage, it's all about free will and the agreement of the people involved.
 Marriage is for the two people in it first and foremost. It's not for just one partner. Decisions should be made in agreement, putting into consideration the interest of the two parties. If you are married to someone that does not care about your interest, happiness or feelings, you do not have to accept that. You cannot be happy being subjected to that psychological abuse constantly.
 Marriage is to be enjoyed and not to be endured. Marriage is not supposed to be a slave camp. Enjoy your marriage, don't endure it. Set a good example for your children. Make your life worth living by making it a good life. Be a wonderful spouse and insist on enjoying the same treatment from your spouse. I wish you all the very best.
Life is to be enjoyed and not to be endured! 

Pretencious Life

I watch the modern day reality shows on TV and I see a lot of people living a pretentious life. I look around me in the real world and I see some people doing the same. This makes me wonder whether having money to pay for cable is doing some people good or bad. Lol!

I say this because there is nothing good or advantageous in living a life of pretence. It's make-believe, it's fake, it's not real! What beauty is there in creating a fake image and persona just to impress people? Some people are the exact opposite of the image and impression they create. They love eating swallows (eg Eba, Amala, fufu etc) but pretend they can't stand the sight of these types of food in public. They eat spaghetti and rice at parties while making sure they openly condemn those that are eating swallows publicly with pride.

Some people are praying to land a rich and well to do partner, yet they condemn anyone that openly declares the same desire. They put their noses in the air and look down with superiority complex and say that it's not good to be choosy. As if they have it all together.

Pretentious people will  like something and they will claim to dislike it. They pretend to be rich when they are not, they form being happy when they are the saddest humans on earth. Everything about such people is fake. Their smile is fake. Their lifestyle is make-believe. Their lives is filled with all sort of drama. Their relationships are shallow and meaningless. Their words are empty and worthless.  Everything about them is an illusion.

I wonder why people like pretence when life is already complicated as it is. Why do pretentious people add more complications to their lives?. The answer I came up with is that people pretend because they want to belong, they want to blend, they don't want to face the truth of their lives and deal with it. They believe that the only way to be happy is by pretending to have it better than others and fake it. So that gullible people will envy them and stuffs like that.

I don't believe in such reasoning at all. I believe in being real. Be who you are both in public and privately. A pretentious life cannot stand the test of time. Build a good and real life for yourself. You don't have to copy the fake life others are living. You are at your best when you are the real you, crude or refined.

Life is to be enjoyed and not to be endured! 

Who Is To Make The Important Decisions In Your Life?

Sometimes we are tempted to delegate to our loved ones the duty of making important decisions in our lives for one reason or another. It could be because we feel overwhelmed, or confused, or indifferent, or we feel that the loved one we are delegating to is better informed or matured than us.
 Whatever may be the compelling reason for wanting to delegate the making of important decisions in our lives, we should not. While it is wisdom to seek advice and counsel from loved ones, professionals and trained personnel, we have to always be conscious of our duty to have the last say over every important decisions in our lives.
 For when all the chips are down, you'll be responsible and accountable for those decisions. You are the one that will bear the consequences of those decisions, whether good or bad. You are the one that will live with those decisions.
 So make your decisions and live the life you believe in. That is when you can say you're living your own life, and not the life of someone else. A life you'll be proud of. A life you will be able to defend and celebrate. For that is when others will be able to celebrate you.
 Life is to be enjoyed and not to be endured! 

Loving Your Perfect Imperfection

My late Grandpa's favorite abuse whenever I offend him is the size and colour of my eye balls. I grew up being very conscious of them with mixed feelings, depending on my mood. Sometimes, I'll like them, at other times; I cannot stand looking at them in the mirror while growing up.

 I've always had big boobs compared to most of my mates. Like every other thing, some of them will openly admire them, while some make fun of me. And because of their weight, I sometimes find myself siding with those that make fun of and dislike my big boobs.
 Since I gained admission into the University, I've been on the big side. I'm a big and fabulous Diva with ample sized thighs, tummy and buttocks. In a world of figure eight and hour-glassed shape, I've faced my fair share of body shaming and criticism. Despite the fact that I honestly don't have an issue with my big amazon size, I've not been allowed to be blind to the defects and flaws in being a plus sized woman.
 I am a friendly, loving, kind and open person, to a fault as I've been made to believe by those that pity me when I'm taken advantaged of by people. This has made me very cynical of my personality, though I find I don't want to change, because changing will stop me from being me, from being happy. I'll rather bear the risk of being taken advantage of.
 I can go on and on.  There are so many imperfections in my life, my body, soul and probably spirit; but I have learned to love all my perfect imperfections. I am learning to love everything that makes me Me . All the things that I cannot change about me, all the things I don't need to change about me and all the things I don't want to change about me.
 Self-acceptance is key. There are lots of people going under the knife and yet, they are not happy with their body. A lot of African women bleach their skins and end up damaging their body. Why don't we just learn to accept ourselves without endangering our lives in a bid to attain perfection? Perfection is whatever we say is perfect. We must learn to love our perfect imperfections. We are beautiful the way we are. Our imperfection makes us perfect.
 We are a complete package, and we are perfect for the purpose for which we are alive. With all our imperfections. Look into the mirror and admire every inch of your body. Look into your heart and admire your soul. Look into your spirit and love who you are. While we aim to be a better human being, love the being you wish to make better.
 Life is to be enjoyed and not to be endured! 

Stop Condoning Abuse

Most of us have not consciously taken time to know, accept and love our person. Instead of loving ourselves, we look for people to love. Forgetting that we cannot give what we do not have.  Instead of loving ourselves, we look for people to love us. Forgetting that we cannot attract what we do not have. How many of us count ourselves worthy of the good things of life? I know we pray and say with our mouths that we want these things, but do we really believe we are worthy of them and that we will truly have them? Or we just say good things with our mouth while in our hearts we believe something else. Do you know you're valuable as a woman?  Do you know you are valuable as a man? I ask these questions because in my course of work, I see a lot of people allowing other human beings to treat them like dirt, like nothing without actively seeking a way of escape. I see women that are beaten, starved and stripped naked and they still allow their perpetrators who call themselves husbands to exercise husbandly rights over them. What makes some women/men allow abuse, torture, and violence against their persons? Why do people in abusive relationships condone the evil acts of their abusers? Why are such victims excusing away the wicked deeds that strips them of their human dignity? Why do they lie to cover up for their abusers? Why are they making an enemy of anyone that tries to help them get out of the abuse they suffer? I was a victim of abuse at different times in my life. I was a willing captive until I started walking in love towards myself. Until I started believing in my heart that I'm worthy of love, respect and human dignity, I was not able to deliver myself from my abusers. When I started seeing myself as valuable, and worthy of good things, it became impossible to accept abuse and maltreatment from anyone. I am not standing in judgement of people that are condoning abuse in their lives presently, no one can force or hurry the process. When the right time comes, you won't need to be told what to do. I only hope we will not endanger our lives with delay. You can still fall in love with Yourself. It's never too late. Love yourself enough to say No to abuse. Life is to be enjoyed and not to be endured! 

Be Mindful Of Your Wishes Too

I used to do things or take decisions against my better judgement in the past, just to please people or to show respect/regards for people I respect. But I found out with time that anytime I do this, things don't turn out well. At least, not for me. Sometimes, not for anyone else.

In Africa, especially in Nigeria, we bring up our children to always defer to our wishes. We train them to believe that doing this is a sign of respect and home trainning. It is perfectly okay for us to do so, as long as we balance such training with encouraging them to have a mind of their own, to express their opinions respectfully and to always follow their inner leading when faced with contrary opinion (s) from people on important issues.

While it is good and necessary to guide and mentor our children, we must be careful not to pattern their lives to be a replica of our own or to punish them for the mistakes we made in ours. As dear as your children are to you, they are different from you. They have their own destinies to fulfil. After training them in the right way, we must allow them to be an individual in their own right. We must teach them how to be responsible and accountable. And there is no way we can do this but by giving them the freedom to make their own decisions. After counselling and advising them, leave them to grow up.

The same thing goes for us as adults with aged parents. We can't keep running to Mummy and Daddy every time we're faced with difficulties in life. It's great to have them to lean on for support, but we must have a mind of our own and learn to know what we want from life and go for it despite all the risk(s) involved.

If we don't start taking risk and go for what we want now, when are we going to do so? Is it when we turn grey and our time has past? Life is all about taking risk, it's about going for our dreams. It's about using our hands to create the life we want. It's about believing in ourselves, following our hearts/destinies, and staying true to our faith.

Life is about saying No or Yes as the case may be when that is what your heart says, irrespective of who might be hurt by your answer.

Because when all chips are done, you'll bear the consequence of every decision made in your life. So therefore, make all the important decisions in your life your decision.

Life is to be enjoyed and not to be endured!

Abuse Of Position

I frown in disgust and disapproval when I hear stories of husbands and wives that denies their spouses of sex and intimacy whenever they are angry with or wants to punish the spouse. It's such an abuse of position!

Your spouse's wellbeing and happiness should be your priority, because you are the custodian of his/her heart. Now, knowing you have power over your spouse and using the power to harm or make your spouse unhappy is horrible. It's manipulative, it's abusive, it's evil,  it's irresponsible,  it's a breach of trust, vow and covenant. It's wrong and totally unacceptable.

The victimized spouse is justified if he/she leaves the marriage. For being subjected to such treatments for a long period of time takes a toil on a person. I don't believe someone that truly loves his/her partner will intentionally cause pain. That is not love. We have to stop calling harmful and wicked acts love. We have to dissuade our hearts from excusing wrong deeds in the name of love.

Lets call a spade a spade. We have bastardized the word "Love" so much that most people have lost faith in it. Love is beautiful if it is true. And we have a duty to make our love true. If everyone will take responsibility for their love, I'm sure the world will be a better place. We'll have more true love in our lives.

But when we try to force others to love us by manipulating them, that is not love. And such deeds will not provoke love from your spouse. Instead, it will only provoke discord and distance.

Life is to be enjoyed and not to be endured!

Self Care

I used to think that the only way I'm to take care of myself is to bath regularly, feed and cloth my body, and sleep. I did not understand what quality life is until I travelled abroad and met people with different and advanced understanding. Then I realised that taking care of myself means much more. 

Taking care of one's self includes seeing to your well being spirit, soul and body. Seeing to your happiness, comfort and honour. Being abreast of your rights, potentials, opportunities, and welfare to the best of your ability. 

So your ability has to be enhanced and horned for you to be able to do a good job. You horn your ability through reading, learning from people, travelling to different places and observing to improve on yourself and so on.

Don't be a local champion. Keep improving on your life. Keep learning. Make your life an adventure of development and improvement. 

Life is to be enjoyed and not to be endured!

Love Making, Sex, Assaault

Love making is a duty of love in marriage. It's something we are to do willingly and lovingly. The husband and wife must never forget that the claim of ownership they mutually exercise over one another is given in love, and it is with love that they'll continue the legitimate use of it.

The moment a man/woman stops giving regards to his/her wife's/husband's needs, feelings and dignity, sexual relation between them stops being "Love-making" and it becomes "sex".

Sex is not bad, though it's not the same as love making. However, care, respect and a measure of satisfaction can still be derived from sex, so we can call it second best to love making.

However, the same carelessness that deteriorated the sexual relationship of husband and wife from love making to sex will deteriorate the relationship between them further from sex to sexual abuse/assault where one spouse exert control, domination, and the other spouse becomes passive and  oppressed.

Sexual relation is not fun without love, respect, care and consideration. A man/woman who has vowed to give his/her body to his/her spouse has every right to revoke such right if it's being abused or/ and misused.

Because the promise of access was given based on the existence of the fundamental principles of trust, integrity, love, agreement and mutual respect. Once these principles are no longer in place, the terms of the sexual relationship / marriage has been violated/broken, and there is need for a re-negotiation. If during the re-negotiation, the parties are able to reach an agreement, good.  If not, they are better off going their separate ways, till they come to a mutually acceptable conclusion.

There is no point making a bad situation worse. If an unfavourable situation can still be managed, it should be managed by all means. But if a situation is unmanageable, stop suffering in silence and effect the necessary change(s) needed.

Life is to be enjoyed and not to be endured!

Be In Control

Never be a slave to your emotions. No matter how much you love someone, be in control of your emotions enough to tell him/her off whenever they step out of line. I used to find it difficult to express my feelings to people I love and hold in high esteem out of fear of hurting them. But I discover that such people end up hurting me more till the relationship is negatively affected.

Another thing I used to do is to keep quiet after a while of expressing my displeasure to a loved one and there seems not to be a positive change in the person's actions. I just give up and endure so as to maintain peace.

With time, such people starts exhibiting more disrespectful and hurting behavior  towards me and everything goes downhill from there.

So experience has thought me never to keep quiet when I'm not okay with a person's  behaviour, actions or attitude. Life has thought me never to shy away from addressing important issues in my relationships in  bid to maintain temporary peace.

I've learnt that relationships grow stronger when issues are dealt with and not ignored or swept under the carpet. And relationships are destroyed when we allow issues to get out of control out of fear, timidity or cowardice.

It's only the courageous that gets the best out of everything. in life, we've got to be courageous to be happy.

Life is to be enjoyed and not to be endured!

Dealing With Depression

Depression is a waste of time, opportunities, emotions and a sure indication of ignorance. I've been a constant companion of depression, so I know. I wish I didn't waste so much on depression before discovering this truth. 

My first introduction to depression was during my failed marriage. For four years, depression became my intimate enemy. Nothing I did made it leave. Even when I was with friends and loved ones, depression held unto me with a death hold. 

I prayed, fasted and sowed seeds, but depression had no mercy on me. I tried to make myself happy by eating, dancing to praise and worship songs but I only got temporary respite. I read, made friends and buried my head in work, but nothing delivered me from depression. 

I cried to God for help, and God made me realise that until I deal with the issue/thing/person,  cause and source of the depression, I will remain a captive in the hands of the spirit of depression. 

So I did a lot of soul searching to find out why I was depressed. It was a painful exercise. It brought out a lot of negative feelings and truth I wanted to ignore. Feelings and emotions I would have preferred not to face, but since I had come to realize that the only way out of my constant state of depression was to know the things that troubles me, I summoned the courage to do what I had to do. 

After knowing the things that was causing me sorrow, pain and chronic depression, I realised I had to do something about them, or else the status quo will remain. 

Then I started trying all sorts to change the things I discovered was totally unacceptable for me. Where it involved someone else, I engaged that person in dialogue, expressing my feelings and discovery, appealing to him/her for co-operation in effecting a positive change. I kept in mind the fact that I have no control over the other person's action and choices. This helps in not placing unrealistic expectations/pressure on myself. I also reminded myself of the duty to respect the other person's decisions, while I respect my right to do what's best for myself at the same time. 

At the end of the day, I dealt with the issues troubling me and depression disappeared from my life. Then the issues that I couldn't deal with because I had no control over them, I learned not to allow such issues to bother me. I learned to take responsibility for how I respond and handle such issues in such a way that I'll not be controlled and manipulated in anyway by it.

We've got to know that the solution to depression is not medication. That's only palliative. The true solution to depression is facing the truth of what troubles you and finding a lasting and acceptable solution (s) to it. 

You must back your prayer and fasting with decisive actions to solve life issues/problems. It's not by folding your arms and waiting for an external saviour(s) to come and deliver you. You are your saviour. Fight for your life. Face your problems, stop living in denial. 

I saw a definition of stupidity online some days ago and it caught my attention. It says stupidity is knowing the truth, seeing the truth in action and speech, but refusing to accept the truth. 

Life is a gift. You have complete right and control over how your life will be, as long as you are willing to exercise that right. It is those who take charge of their lives and insist on ensuring a good life for themselves that gets the best out of life. Make your life worth living. 

Life is to be enjoyed and not to be endured!