HOSEI WOMEN - MUTUAL RESPECT

I made a post in my women support groups on Facebook and Whatsapp two days ago in which I encouraged people to desist from acting nicely towards any person that offends them immediately after the offence so as to show their pain and displeasure to the offender. I stated in the post that such demonstration of displeasure will effectively pass across the message to the offender that his/her offensive action is unacceptable. I was not surprised by the general reaction the write up provoked in people. I got replies like - "It's not good to repay evil with evil", "Two people shouldn't be angry at the same time", "A woman must be submissive if she wants to stay married", and other similar comments. Only some few women made comments in agreement with my opinion.

I said I was not surprised by the general feedback I got on my post because I am well aware of the brainwash of Nigerians, especially because of what Nigerian women have been subjected to through our culture that has a permissive outlook towards domestic abuse and violence and religion that has been made weak by compromise. We have been brainwashed for so long, we are no longer real and realistic. We have become robotic in our speeches and responses, saying things we have been programmed to say and do, not what we actually do or believe to be the right thing to do. We have lost sight of the intents and purposes behind the injunctions and commandments in the holy scriptures, only following the interpretations given by mere mortals like ourselves who insist on obeying the letter and not the spirit of the word. We fail to personally understand and encounter the personality and mindset of the Creator we claim to know and obey.

HOSEI WOMEN - SPEAK OUT, IT HEALS

 
I discovered the therapeutic and healing effect of talking about abuse and violence only after walking out of the abusive marriage I was in. One of the regrets I nursed for a long time after leaving my ex was the fact that I didn't tell my family and loved ones about my ordeal on time. I bore and endured the abuse in silence, thinking I was being faithful and loyal to the man I have vowed to love and cherish; even though he had become the enemy of my soul. Every day, as I groaned under the weight of abuse, I told myself I was only paying the price for being a virtuous woman. I convinced myself that if other married women could do it and stay married, I could do it too. 

Then, the shame and embarrassment of people knowing that things weren't right with my life didn't help matters at all. There was a day my resolve weakened and I tried sharing my experiences with a church member. My ex-mother-in-law (ex-mil) saw me and walked over to us. The church member excused herself and my ex-mil , who I respect and hold in high esteem advised me never to discuss my home and the happenings in it with anyone. She counseled that nothing good can be achieved by doing so. She said it's only God that can help me, so I should keep praying till He did. I obeyed her, though I had mixed feelings about her advice. 

HOSEI WOMEN - I BELIEVE IN LOVE

 
I believe in true love. I believe in marriage. I believe in a man and a woman consummating their love as long as they live, with beautiful children as part of the fruits of their love. I believe in family life. I believe in happily ever after. Contrary to the accusations of those that say that I am anti-marriage, anti-love and anti-men, I'm actually a staunch believer of love, marriage and responsible men. I believe in healthy, balanced and real relationships and despise fake, pretentious, unhealthy and abusive relationships. 

I believe that whatever is worth doing at all, is worth doing well. I detest mediocrity, abuse, oppression, injustice and pretense in relationships/marriage. It kills me to see people suffering unjustly. It pains me when no effort is made to curtail abuse in marriage on the ground of culture and religion. Marriage between two people is either working or not working, worth it or not worth it. And it's the two people in the relationship that should have a say about this and not culture, religion or other people.

HOSEI WOMEN - BEAUTY IS IN THE EYE OF THE BEHOLDER

 

I used to think attracting the love and attention of another person has to do with one's physical looks and attractiveness. I have however been set right by the new evidences before me. Instances where I see physically unattractive persons successfully holding unto the partners in their lives while some very beautiful and physically alluring ones are picked and dropped by different partners without getting the commitment of any. This issue baffled me for a long time till I finally understood that what keeps two people attracted and committed to one another is their personality, nature, mindset, character, disposition. Not their body, even though they will automatically love and accept each other's bodies with the total package.

Two people that are connected in their souls will have no problem connecting or staying connected physically, even when there is a drastic change in one or both partners' physical appearance. Fat, thin, ugly, dark and so on becomestandards of beauty to such people. For they have ceased to place worth and value on each other based on physical looks, but on the inner connection they share. Such people find one another beautiful because of the well defined convictions and persuasions they share. The standards and principles they live by is exact or very similar. Love and compassion flow between them with ease and no conscious prompting.

HOSEI WOMEN - THE NEED FOR PHYSICAL CONTACT IN HUMANS

 

Sometimes parents damage the development of a healthy disposition to intimacy in their children unknowingly by bringing them up with old cultural mindset that are erroneous. One of these erroneous upbringing is on physical touch. We all know that in Africa, we do not have a culture of physical demonstration of affection to children. Hugging, kissing and cuddling are not really things a typical African father or mother will do constantly, if at all. The maximum physical demonstration of affection towards their children is a pat on the back, head or shoulder and that is a rare feat. Mothers touch their "above breastfeeding age" children only when bathing them, wiping away their tears or treating a wound on their body. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not in anyway saying African parents don't love their children. In fact, contrary to that, African parents are the best in the whole world, pardon me if you think I'm biased. I'm so proud of my heritage.

The disposition of African parents to physical touch and intimacy with their children is imbibed by culture and upbringing, and not out of lack of love and care. Though civilization has drastically improved the mindsets of African parents on the issue of physical demonstration of affection, this however applies only to the educated/exposed ones that consciously worked on themselves to change. There are still lots of African parents that rigidly hold on to the old ways.

HOSEI WOMEN - DIVORCE

I'm talking about a controversial topic today; Divorce. Divorce is the  dissolution of marriage between two people. Divorce is seen as a taboo in most cultures and religions. This is because of the devastating effects it has on the people involved, their families and the society at large. Also it is stated clearly in most, if not all religions that the Creator hates divorce. It is therefore natural to consider divorce to be a bad thing. 

However, divorce is the lifeline for some people that find themselves in abusive and toxic relationships. The marriage institution is birth by the commitment and agreement of two parties, to serve and honor one another as long as they both shall live; in trying and prosperous times. A marriage is a sacred union made up of rights and obligations. What procures and preserves the rights of one partner is his/her obligations to the other partner. Therefore, a partner that habitually with total disregard for the union fails to perform his/her obligations loses all entitlements to the rights in the marriage. For it is the fulfillment of their obligations to one another that gives legitimacy to their union, without which the union is a mirage.

HOSEI WOMEN - MEN AND WOMEN ARE FUNDAMENTALLY EQUAL

All over the world, being a woman is a huge responsibility. Apart from being raised to be care-givers, home managers, obedient and dutiful from childhood, irrespective of the fact that their deeds are appreciated and acknowledged by the loved ones they labor on or not; they are saddled with cultural, traditional and religious rules and doctrines that sometimes conflict with their personal care and interest. As a woman, because of our biological composition and upbringing, service to our loved and unloved ones is what we do. It comes naturally, we don't even question it, even if we do so at the detriment of our own well-being. While this is commendable and worthy of accolades, it can be a death trap for women that:

¤ Are involved with men that do not have the same sense of obligation and duty to family and loved/unloved ones,

¤ Find themselves in abusive relationships,

¤ Are women who have not learned to love themselves.

HOSEI WOMEN - EMANCIPATION OF THE GIRL-CHILD

 

A girl-child grows up loved and pampered by everyone around her but with the consciousness of being treated as inferior to her male counterparts by people. A lot is invested in her physically, financially, materially and emotionally by her loved ones and the society at large, in making her a responsible but handicapped individual. Handicapped by the double standards imposed on the two sexes, male and female by the patriarchal mentality in everyone that surrounds her.

Though she grows up focused, dedicated and committed to making a success of her life, she is restricted and restrained. Her dreams and individuality are screened and subjected to unfair limitations before it can enjoy the approval of her loved ones and the society. So though she looks beautiful and accomplished on the outside, an indepth look at her, you'll discover cracks in her foundation. Cracks that though look small and insignificant, happen to be detrimental to and hazardous to her success and happiness in life. 

The girl-child has been failed by the society, by her loved ones, by women in the society, especially her own mother. She grew up seeing women being abused by their men. Sometimes, her mother is a victim, sometimes, it's her aunties, neighbors or even strangers. She sees her mother's attitude of acceptance, defeat, justification of these wrong deeds, and she unconsciously adopts the same stand. In her life, she makes excuses for men that abuse women and allow them to take advantage of her. Though she knows it is wrong to be used and abused, she allows it in her life anyway; having been conditioned to accept abuse from her childhood. 

HOSEI WOMEN - IMPROVE ON YOURSELF

There is an error I see a lot of women making and I'll like to draw attention to it. I see women making investments in their men in every way possible but neglect to invest in their own lives. It is a big error to give what you do not have in life. It's like a poor person living on cassava flakes borrowing to feed her mate's expensive cuisine. As noble and praise worthy as it is to love and walk in love towards your man, there is nothing noble and praise worthy in not extending the same love to yourself.

To use your resources to build another person's life, while you remain on the same level of development is not love. It is self hatred and misplaced priority. It is lack of vision, it is a big blunder that you will most likely regret later in life. Just because you are a graduate does not mean that is the end of personal development in your life. There are lots of certification programs, professional qualifications you can do to enhance your worth in the corporate world.

HOSEI WOMEN - LIES OF PATRIARCHY

 

It always disturbs me when sexist comments are passed on women by men and women alike. And I find that interesting because I was guilty of doing so too in the past. This conflicting reactions in me made me decide to seek for answers and I want to share my findings with you, Women of Substance.

As a driven woman with lots of like minded friends, I'm used to a woman being referred to as a "Tomboy", "a woman like a man" (obinrin bi okunrin) and other similar phrases. I used to see it as a compliment until the implications of the meaning of what is being said dawned on me. Anytime a woman is successful or making impact or is achieving a noble cause, she is immediately likened to a man; not only by the men but also by women. But when a woman falls short of expectation in whatever area of life, she is never likened to a man.

HOSEI WOMEN - DO NOT CONDONE ABUSE

When abuse is not confronted and resisted, it takes over the relationship/marriage and destroys it. One major reason perpetrators of abuse become brazen in inflicting abuse is because they know their victims will cover up the abuse. Perpetrators use the embarrassment and shame of the victim as a weapon to their advantage. They know their abuse is not only causing the victim pain, he/she is also highly ashamed of it and will do anything to prevent further humiliation, even if it means covering up the proofs that could be used against their tormentors.

This knowledge gives the abuser security. The abuser knows that he/she will not be held accountable for his/her actions. So a woman that is being physically abused by her husband goes around telling people she fell or had an accident when asked about the bruises on her body. A woman that is being financially abused by her partner goes around looking for money to borrow to meet a family need in order to cover up her husband's irresponsibility. Some even borrow and hand over the money to the irresponsible man so that people will think he is responsible.

HOSEI WOMEN - YOUNG LOVE IS SWEET

 

It's so sweet and captivating whenever I observe a budding love relationship between an innocent boy and girl. They are so tender and caring towards one another. The boy's only desire is to please the girl, while the girl loves the boy not like a meal ticket but for his person. Any silly chick that tries to get close to the boy is sent away with a glance hot enough to fry an egg. They care not about patriarchal stereotypes and discriminatory roles given to the two sexes. They delight in one another, rendering helping hands to lift each other. They are unselfish in the expectations placed on one another, always quick to apologize whenever one hurts the other. These young ones are protective of one another, having a "we" against "them" attitude in the face of conflict with external forces. They keep no secret from one another, eager to share and experience life together. They give true meaning to the promise "in sickness and in health" in times of adversity and problems. They are willing to go to any length to see to each other's comfort.

Then they grow up in a patriarchal society where the boys are taught to hide their emotions/feelings (except the feeling of anger) to be a man. The boys are taught to see women as inferior. They are brainwashed into seeing women as chattels and objects of possession, to be used for pleasure and human labour. The boys are taught to be egotistical, insecure and threatened by intelligence, beauty and strength in a woman. They are groomed in the skills, methods and ways of breaking the women in their lives till she loses all confidence, will and belief in herself. They are turned into self-centered and cruel beings with an entitlement mentality. (Only those with feminist thinking parents/guardians/benefactors/mentors are saved from the poisonous influence of patriarchy).

HOSEI WOMEN - FREEWILL

We have to understand that anything in existence in our relationship/marriage is there because we have allowed it. It might be a conscious allowance or an unconscious one, the truth is nothing can exist if we have disallowed it. Now, please don't get me wrong. I am fully aware that there are times a person in a relationship/marriage might try to impose something on the other partner in the relationship/marriage. But the imposing partner cannot succeed until the other partner allows that thing to stand. There can be three outcomes from a situation. 

A partner can accept and allow whatever is being imposed on him/her by the imposing partner. Or he/she can refuse to accept/allow whatever the imposing partner is trying to force on him/her (which might result in the two parties going their separate ways), and the third is, the imposing partner can give in to the resistance of the other partner and desist from imposing his/her will on him/her.

HOSEI WOMEN - ABUSE NEGATES SUBMISSION

I had an interesting discussion with a lovely woman on my group on Facebook about submission. In the course of the discussion, I stated that a man/woman married to an abusive woman/man who fails to walk in love with him/her is freed from the duty of submitting to his/her wife/husband as the case may be. I said that is the only way such a victim will be able to survive. But my friend has a contrary opinion. She is of the opinion that despite a wife's or husband's abusive actions, no matter how harmful and destructive those actions might be, the man/woman must submit to his/her partner in the marriage. After going back and forth for a while, we had to agree to disagree. 

But I lost my peace thereafter. I was gripped with sorrow for men/women that have found themselves in the difficult situation of an abusive union, but aren't doing anything to protect themselves from harm because they believe God expects them to submit in marriage. They are ignorant of the spirit behind every word of God. They take the word of God verbatim, encouraged by religious bigots and hypocrites. They fail to have a personal relationship with the Creator, so as to have a clear understanding of who God is and His stand on issues. They are filled with a false sense of spirituality and martyrdom. They are carrying the cross of abuse and domestic violence by submitting to their tormentor/partner. Just like Jesus did. 

HOSEI WOMEN - TAKE YOUR LIFE IN YOUR HANDS (PART 2)

After the eye opening and humiliating experience with my ex on the issue of money, I decided to take responsibility for my life and live like a person without a husband. I made up my mind never to put myself in a position where I will be desperate for basic needs. To be able to do this, I knew two things for sure towards the end of my service year. The first was that I had to put on temporary hold my legal career. I couldn't continue with it because the ten thousand naira (#10,000) salary I was earning wouldn't be able to sustain me for a month since the allowance from NYSC was going to stop after my service year. There was no hope for increment in salary at that time, and being freshly called to the Nigerian Bar, I had no personal client. So my desire for survival prevailed over my desire for career development. I had to be realistic and step up to the task of ensuring a decent life for myself. I encouraged myself by pointing out the fact that before I got married I was living well, so if the man I got married to decides not to fulfill his duty towards me, I will not fail in my duty towards myself. 

The second thing I knew was that I had to go back into the business of buying and selling. I knew I was good at it and it's suitable because I'll get to have money to take care of myself on a daily basis. I was too ashamed to disclose to my mum what I was going through in my marriage. She was in London and I knew my situation would have devastated her, so I decided not to confide in her. My siblings were all younger than me, apart from my older sister and like my mum, I didn't want to burden her with my problems. The one person I knew would have been able to make a difference was my dad and he was long dead at this time. So I spoke some sense into myself and my survival instinct took over. 

HOSEI WOMEN - TAKE YOUR LIFE IN YOUR HANDS

 
My journey to self liberation from an abusive marriage was a long, painful and humiliating one. Though I was totally unprepared for the situation I found myself in, I knew I had to be courageous and face my circumstances with boldness and truth. I was tempted to lie to myself and make excuses for events and incidences, but it didn't take me long to realize that I'll be shooting myself in the foot if I did that.
 

I went to law school during the first year of my failed marriage. My mum paid for the tuition and sent money for my upkeep periodically. My ex also sent money to me whenever he could at this period. I couldn't do any business to make money as I usually did because law school was tedious. I had to give full concentration to my studies, failing was definitely not an option for me. So I couldn't earn money like I did during my undergraduate years, law school was a different ball game. 

I left for youth corp service from home a few months after law school. Those few months were a terrible time for me. That was the first time I stayed a long period at home with my ex. I used to spend a week at a time with him before this time. Though he was hardly ever around, I suffered a lot of hunger, loneliness and public humiliation due to issues with my ex's personal and business life. So I was glad to leave for camp when it was time to go. I informed my ex on phone a few weeks to the time I'll have to travel to Abuja to pick up my call-up letter and report at Kebbi for camp. I told him I'll need twenty thousand naira for the trips and he promised to come home before the time I had to leave to give me the money. A week to the time I was to travel, I reminded him and he assured me he would bring the money personally or pay it into my bank account. Three days to the time, he wasn't picking my calls. Two days to, all his phones were switched off.

HOSEI WOMEN - IT'S NOT ABOUT BEING GOOD OR BAD

 
I find it unfortunate when I witness some people that are fortunate to get married to decent and responsible partners stand in judgement of people that got married to abusive and irresponsible spouses. 
 

This is because it's a fact that they didn't get their responsible partners by their actions or inaction. It wasn't the fact that they are smart, beautiful, decent, educated, a virgin, industrious, God fearing or from a good family that got them these responsible partners. Most of them believe it's those things but I beg to disagree. Some of these people say things like: 

"I got a good husband because I didn't sleep around when I was single, you got an irresponsible man because of your loose ways while single". 

"I got a successful man because I was a bookworm in school, I automatically attracted studious men and choose one, you got a loser because you weren't serious with your academics".

"I got a husband from a great family because I'm equally from a very good family, it's your dysfunctional family background that made your marriage fail". 

"I got a responsible man because I take no nonsense, my man knows better than to misbehave, yours treated you badly because you didn't set healthy boundaries". 

"I'm very prayerful, submissive and dutiful to my husband, I'm sure you weren't all those things, that's why your husband abused you", and so on. 

HOSEI WOMEN - PATRIARCHY (CONTINUED)

Most people in a patriarchal culture believe that romantic love makes people unaware, render them powerless and out of control. This notion of love serves the interests of patriarchal men and women. It supports the belief that one can do anything in the name of love: beat other people, intimidate and control them, restrict their movements, even kill them and call it a "crime of passion". Some people claim to be abusing their spouse because they love them.

I find this disgusting act of sugar-coating crime and wickedness in the name of love completely disgraceful and unacceptable. Love in patriarchal culture is linked to notions of possession, paradigms of domination and submission where one party gives love and the other partner receives it. Women being in touch with caring emotions are to give men love and in return, men will provide and protect the women. However, in many cases, men do not respond to care; instead they are tyrants who use their power unjustly to coerce and control. A lot of women end up feeling betrayed by the promise of love and living happily ever after when they enter marriages with men who swiftly transform themselves from charming princes into patriarchal lords of the manor.

HOSEI WOMEN - PATRIARCHY

 

I always mention patriarchy and people that have a patriarchal mentality in my articles. This is because most of the injustices women suffer is as a result of patriarchy. Patriarchy is the single most life threatening social disease assaulting the male body and spirit in our nation. Patriarchy is a political-social system that states that males are superior to everyone deemed weak, especially females, and endowed with the right to dominate and rule over the weak, and to maintain that dominance through various forms of psychological terrorism and violence. 

 
From infancy, male and female children are assigned patriarchal gender roles and are given continual guidance about the ways to best fulfill these roles. They are taught that they could not be and act anyway they wanted. The male and female behaviour has to follow a predetermined, gendered script. The identities of the male and female children are based on patriarchal values and beliefs about gender. A patriarchal thinker need not be a male, most people see men as the problem of patriarchy, but this is not the case. Women can be as wedded to patriarchal thinking and actions as men.

HOSEI WOMEN - WOMEN ARE ENTITLED TO ENJOY SEX

From time immemorial, all kinds of efforts were made to deny women sexual pleasure and satisfaction through sex like their male counterparts.  These efforts were made by men and women governed by patriarchy. They bear the patriarchal mentality that women if women are allowed to enjoy sex, they will be promiscuous. With this erroneous mind set,  they violate and damage the body of their girl child through female genital mutilation (FGM). This is the process where the pleasure giving part of the female sexual organ (clitoris) is partially or completely cut off. In some cases, the labia majora (this is the flesh around the opening of the vagina) is also removed.