Sometimes parents damage the development of a healthy disposition to intimacy in their children unknowingly by bringing them up with old cultural mindset that are erroneous. One of these erroneous upbringing is on physical touch. We all know that in Africa, we do not have a culture of physical demonstration of affection to children. Hugging, kissing and cuddling are not really things a typical African father or mother will do constantly, if at all. The maximum physical demonstration of affection towards their children is a pat on the back, head or shoulder and that is a rare feat. Mothers touch their "above breastfeeding age" children only when bathing them, wiping away their tears or treating a wound on their body.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not in anyway saying African parents don't love their children. In fact, contrary to that, African parents are the best in the whole world, pardon me if you think I'm biased. I'm so proud of my heritage.
The disposition of African parents to physical touch and intimacy with their children is imbibed by culture and upbringing, and not out of lack of love and care. Though civilization has drastically improved the mindsets of African parents on the issue of physical demonstration of affection, this however applies only to the educated/exposed ones that consciously worked on themselves to change. There are still lots of African parents that rigidly hold on to the old ways.
There are lots of children that lack physical connection with their parents. They are discouraged from physically expressing their love to their parents through touch and from expecting same from their parents. They learned to stop being physically demonstrative because their attempts only resulted in embarrassing their African parents. They learnt to ignore and bury their need for physical touch, both the need to give and receive. They school their hearts to want not or welcome physical demonstration of affection. With time, they become hardened masters at not giving expression to this crucial human need. Not only are some children denied physical demonstration of affection, they are prevented from expressing affection for themselves by touching their bodies with liberty. Innocent touch of the body, especially the genital areas are rebuked and rebuffed as if the child has committed a crime. By so doing, we succeed in passing across to the child that it is wrong, amoral, shameful or disgusting to touch his or her body. He/she grows up with this mentality and later on in life, when nature calls, and it's time for these "former children" now adults to develop intimacy with their chosen life partners, the ugliness of an erroneous upbringing raises its head. They are unable to demonstrate affection towards their partners.
They have become formed and hardened towards physical demonstration of affection. They are uncomfortable with it. They see it as wrong/unnecessary. They are unwilling to be that vulnerable with another person out of fear of being hurt, rebuffed and rejected, as they were by their parents during their childhood period. This issue is deep and can only be understood by people that are "recovered/recovering victims" of the wrong I'm talking about. Many people are cold and harsh with their bodies because of the erroneous upbringing they had about relating with their body. This is evident in the way they hit themselves harshly whenever they have to touch their body to chase a mosquito or house fly. Such people resent physical touch, they have grown to perceive it as an invasion of their privacy. Even when they become sexually active, such people will only touch their partners when they want sex, and that is the only time their partners can touch them freely without being shut out. They have become dysfunctional and damaged. Unable to freely give and accept physical affection. Some never experience intimacy with themselves or another person throughout their lives.
A big pity, especially since the fault of this lies in the wrong upbringing on physical demonstration of affection. I was a victim of this. I didn't have a healthy relationship with my body until recently. I was taught while growing up not to be comfortable with touching my body. I didn't understand why, but I remember being very rough and harsh with my body anytime I need to wash or touch it for whatever reason. I had to consciously address this on my journey to healing and self love. While I understand that children should not be encouraged to touch their genitals so as to prevent premature sexual awareness in them, we should never tell them its wrong to touch any part of their body. Neither should we discourage them from being physical in demonstrating their affection for you as their parents. Parents should also see as a duty to meet the intimacy need in their children by hugging, kissing and cuddling them regularly, even to adulthood. That will prevent them from seeking affection in the wrong places, especially the female children. The male child too will be trained to accept and give physical affection, thereby preventing future intimacy problem in his marriage.
And if while we allow our children to be expressive towards themselves and towards their loved ones, we see the need to caution or restrict them in touching some parts of their body (sexual organs), we should be very constructive with our comments, explaining the reasons for such restrictions to them. If they are not too young to be restricted, they are definitely not too young to understand the reasons for the restriction, dear parents. Please, stop telling your children that it is wrong to touch their bodies. You are damaging them when you do so, in lots of ways you don't know.
Life is to be enjoyed and not to be endured!
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