HOSEI WOMEN - TAKE YOUR LIFE IN YOUR HANDS

 
My journey to self liberation from an abusive marriage was a long, painful and humiliating one. Though I was totally unprepared for the situation I found myself in, I knew I had to be courageous and face my circumstances with boldness and truth. I was tempted to lie to myself and make excuses for events and incidences, but it didn't take me long to realize that I'll be shooting myself in the foot if I did that.
 

I went to law school during the first year of my failed marriage. My mum paid for the tuition and sent money for my upkeep periodically. My ex also sent money to me whenever he could at this period. I couldn't do any business to make money as I usually did because law school was tedious. I had to give full concentration to my studies, failing was definitely not an option for me. So I couldn't earn money like I did during my undergraduate years, law school was a different ball game. 

I left for youth corp service from home a few months after law school. Those few months were a terrible time for me. That was the first time I stayed a long period at home with my ex. I used to spend a week at a time with him before this time. Though he was hardly ever around, I suffered a lot of hunger, loneliness and public humiliation due to issues with my ex's personal and business life. So I was glad to leave for camp when it was time to go. I informed my ex on phone a few weeks to the time I'll have to travel to Abuja to pick up my call-up letter and report at Kebbi for camp. I told him I'll need twenty thousand naira for the trips and he promised to come home before the time I had to leave to give me the money. A week to the time I was to travel, I reminded him and he assured me he would bring the money personally or pay it into my bank account. Three days to the time, he wasn't picking my calls. Two days to, all his phones were switched off.

I was devastated. Though that wasn't the first time he was letting me down, I never thought he'll fail me on this. For I explained how important the trip was. I would have to wait a whole year before I'll be able to serve if I miss serving with my set, and by that time, I would be thirty years old and might not be allowed to serve again, which might bring up unnecessary complications for me. He knew all that, so there was no rationale for his actions but to face the truth that it was intentional. I broke down in tears and was inconsolable. I was constantly hungry and penniless. My friends were calling me to ask when I would be travelling, but I couldn't tell them my situation. All I could say was that we'll meet at the law school in Abuja. 

I couldn't sleep the day prior to my travel. Kept calling my ex's phone but it was permanently switched off. Towards evening, I prayed and asked God to help me. I packed my bag for the trip,and left the house around 5am. I trekked for over an hour to a friend's house and asked her to lend me money. The husband had pity on me and drove me to the nearest ATM, withdrew the money and gave it to me. I got to Abuja late that day. On my way to the hostel, my phone rang, it was my ex calling. He said he tried to raise the money but couldn't, that maybe I'll go next year. I told him I was speaking with him from Abuja and he went silent in shock. I did the three weeks camp in Kebbi State and was transferred to Ibadan on marital grounds. That was when my suffering started in full force. Before, my ex would switch off his phone and make up excuses, but by the time I got back from camp, he gave up all pretense. I guess the act of pretending to be who he wasn't became too much of an effort.

I served in a law firm and was paid ten thousand naira (#10,000) per month, with the seven thousand, five hundred naira (#7,500) allowance from NYSC, I was earning seventeen thousand, five hundred naira per month. By the time I took out the cost of transportation, tithe, and lunch from that, I was left with practically nothing. So I expected my ex to take care of foodstuff for the house, but he either went away without dropping money or he was around with no money (according to him). Sometimes he would give me money for food, and there would be so much food in the house. At other times, there will not be a grain of rice. Most times, I slept on an empty stomach. Everyone that knows me knows I love food. The worst punishment for me is to go hungry when it's not that I'm observing a fast or something. So, one day I got tired of hearing from my ex that he had no money. I don't know what made me do what I did, maybe it was my survival instinct. I woke up in the middle of the night and went to the sitting room, he was fast asleep. I took his work bag and pulled out his purse. I found a lot of minty one thousand naira notes. I was elated. I kept everything the way I found it and went back to bed. Now that I had proof that he had money, I would not accept his lie of being broke tomorrow. I wasn't really surprised that I had caught him in his lies. I'd done that many times in the past but this time around, I'd had enough of hunger. He had to give me money to stock the house with food tomorrow. I slept off with that resolution. Only to wake up in the morning with the sound of the entrance door to our apartment opening.

I always sleep naked. I knew if I should attempt putting on clothes, he would have left before I got to the sitting room. So I ran out the way I was shouting to him to wait for me. I asked for money for house-keep and he gave his usual response of not having money. As I was trying to beg and explain that I've finished spending my salary, he just opened the door and went out. I did not process what I did next, I was only consumed with the thought that I couldn't go without food for that day. I ran after him into the compound of the house before he could enter into his car. We were living in a twin bungalow building and there was a family living in the second flat. He was shocked by my actions because he was used to me walking away every time he said he didn't have money. 

Running after him on this particular day was a huge shock for him, and I was naked too. It was when he shouted my name asking whether I wanted people to see me naked that I realized what I had done, but I was too afraid of hunger to care. I told him as much. He was visibly shaken, he promised to give me money if I went back into our apartment and I said I would if he entered the apartment first. He quickly complied and I followed him. When we got back in, he brought out money from his purse and gave me, I could not even say thank you. I just burst into tears, wailing loudly. He quietly left, leaving me with my sorrow. 

The shock of my actions settled on me like a heavy weight . I've never been that desperate in my life. I've never been subjected to  hunger the way I was for days before that incidence. I immediately understood why food is a human right. I empathized with people that killed for food. I developed instant empathy for people that sell their bodies for food. I understood that I'd lost myself and that it was time to find myself and pull out of the pit my marriage to my ex had put me in.

Life is to be enjoyed and not to be endured!