HOSEI WOMEN - SPEAK OUT, IT HEALS

 
I discovered the therapeutic and healing effect of talking about abuse and violence only after walking out of the abusive marriage I was in. One of the regrets I nursed for a long time after leaving my ex was the fact that I didn't tell my family and loved ones about my ordeal on time. I bore and endured the abuse in silence, thinking I was being faithful and loyal to the man I have vowed to love and cherish; even though he had become the enemy of my soul. Every day, as I groaned under the weight of abuse, I told myself I was only paying the price for being a virtuous woman. I convinced myself that if other married women could do it and stay married, I could do it too. 

Then, the shame and embarrassment of people knowing that things weren't right with my life didn't help matters at all. There was a day my resolve weakened and I tried sharing my experiences with a church member. My ex-mother-in-law (ex-mil) saw me and walked over to us. The church member excused herself and my ex-mil , who I respect and hold in high esteem advised me never to discuss my home and the happenings in it with anyone. She counseled that nothing good can be achieved by doing so. She said it's only God that can help me, so I should keep praying till He did. I obeyed her, though I had mixed feelings about her advice. 

Being a very religious person, I believe in the power of prayer but as a principled person, I didn't believe in condoning wrong deeds. I however decided to comply with her advice since she was an experienced married woman and I was a newly wed. I didn't even confide in my mum. The warning of my ex-mil kept ringing in my ears. So I cultivated a docile attitude towards my ex's misdeeds as a dutiful and loyal wife, covering his wrongs and protecting him from public criticism.

The more I did this, the more I lost the respect of my ex. I wouldn't say I lost his love because I don't believe he ever loved me, but if he did, I definitely lost that too. This truly confused me, because I sincerely believed my ex-mil and other experienced married women that knew of the abuse I was facing in the marriage, that my submission (as they call it) to him and anything he does (good or bad) will earn his devotion to me and the marriage. But there he was, getting worse and brazen in his abuse towards me.

After a lot of suffering, retreats, meditations, and observations, I discovered that the the counsel I was given to bear and endure abuse was a wrong one. Agreeing to the advice to condone abuse turned out to be a big mistake. After a long string of systematic tests and observations, I discovered that my docility and permissive attitude towards his abuse/misdeeds had unknowingly passed a message of consent and validation of the abuse to my ex. By bearing his abuse instead of walking away, I was justifying his actions and made him believe I deserved it. And as he continued to take advantage of this, I was gradually losing my identify, my voice, my influence and my presence/essence. Though he knew me to be bold, confident and assertive during the three years we courted, he saw the change in me brought about my dedication to make the marriage work and he played on that to the maximum. He just stopped trying. He became a tyrant, a complete ugly and wicked stranger. 

Unfortunately, the more he became abusive and horrible, the more I loved him and gave myself to him. I thought my love would compensate for his lack of love in the marriage. The more I loved and gave in to his abusive behavior, the more he treated me with despise and scorn, the more I died inside. It became a vicious cycle of love, abuse, love, abuse....

Because I hadn't learnt to stay true to myself at all times irrespective of the circumstances I found myself, I kept digging my grave, unknown to me. Once in a while, when I rebelled out of frustration and weariness, my ex would run to his mother and she would come and give me a fresh dose of the "virtuous woman" endures marriage sermon and I would mellow down again. But thankfully, before I perished in the marriage, I was able to arrive at a personal conclusion that the way out of abuse is to confront and not condone it. I confronted it by accepting the fact that I was being abused, by deciding that I did not want to continue being abused. I had a heart to heart with my abuser about my decision and the need for change. When he wasn't interested in changing and working with me to save the marriage, I confronted the abuse by deciding to save my life and leave the marriage. When I left and he didn't come after me like I hoped he would, I confronted the abuse by getting a divorce and starting my life afresh. It was very hard and difficult for me starting over again. I was full of bitterness, pain, shame, disappointment, and all kinds of emotional trauma. Though I was happy and relieved that I was out of the abuse, I was well supported by my family and friends, I knew all wasn't well inside of me.

Then I started talking about the abuse I suffered in my failed marriage by coincidence. It was as if I opened a bottle of coke after shaking it well. The emotions I'd bottled in for years bubbled out of me with pressure and intensity. The relief and ease I felt was indescribable. The closest I can come to describing it is when a well ripe boil is surgically cut to let out the pus in it. Heavenly relief. The more I disclosed and talked, the more relief and healing I felt, till I started feeling healthy and well inside of me. It was a miracle. A wonderful discovery money couldn't buy. 

The moment the cause of my internal healing became known to me, I consciously started talking about my experience. Now, I wasn't talking with unsympathetic people. Don't ever do that. They will leave you worse than they found you. I talked only with people that had love in them. People that were still connected to their humanness. People that had gone through abuse in one way or the other in their lives. Now, my life is free of abuse. Words cannot describe the joy and restoration I've enjoyed and I'm enjoying for saying no to a substandard and abusive life and talking my way to healing by sharing my ordeal with people that have gone through the same and like minded people.

Life is to be enjoyed and not to be endured!