I made a post in my women support groups on Facebook and Whatsapp two days ago in which I encouraged people to desist from acting nicely towards any person that offends them immediately after the offence so as to show their pain and displeasure to the offender. I stated in the post that such demonstration of displeasure will effectively pass across the message to the offender that his/her offensive action is unacceptable. I was not surprised by the general reaction the write up provoked in people. I got replies like - "It's not good to repay evil with evil", "Two people shouldn't be angry at the same time", "A woman must be submissive if she wants to stay married", and other similar comments. Only some few women made comments in agreement with my opinion.
I said I was not surprised by the general feedback I got on my post because I am well aware of the brainwash of Nigerians, especially because of what Nigerian women have been subjected to through our culture that has a permissive outlook towards domestic abuse and violence and religion that has been made weak by compromise. We have been brainwashed for so long, we are no longer real and realistic. We have become robotic in our speeches and responses, saying things we have been programmed to say and do, not what we actually do or believe to be the right thing to do. We have lost sight of the intents and purposes behind the injunctions and commandments in the holy scriptures, only following the interpretations given by mere mortals like ourselves who insist on obeying the letter and not the spirit of the word. We fail to personally understand and encounter the personality and mindset of the Creator we claim to know and obey.
I am a devoted Christian. I do not play with my relationship with God the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. But I have ceased serving them through the dictates and representation of mortals like myself alone. I have learnt to have a personal relationship with God and His word with the help of the Holy Spirit who teaches me wrongs from rights. I am not a pastor, neither am I a pagan. I'm a believer that lives by the spirit of the word of God.
To start with, showing one's displeasure when a spouse does something unacceptable is not paying evil for evil. It's wisdom, for how else will the offending partner know of his/her offence? If per adventure, he/she is already aware of the fact that the act is offensive to the other partner, what will be the motive to stop if the offended partner keeps pretending that all is well? Are we saying having a spiritual life means we should be in denial and be unrealistic? For there is no way sanity can be in a relationship/marriage where there are no boundaries, no dos and don'ts, where both or one of the parties in the marriage can do as he/she pleases without being accountable to one another. No love or respect can be in that kind of relationship/marriage. Believe me, I've been there.
I know that it's not advisable for two people to be angry at the same time, but then it happens. And while one partner should step down in such a case, anger need not come into play at all. I'm not saying partners should be physically aggressive towards their offending partners. There are many ways one can show displeasure without fighting or being verbally abusive. There is no reason why two people in a marriage cannot have a civilized discussion/heart to heart talk about their feelings and stands on issues. If one party however does not co-operate, the other partner has a right to use other non verbal means of communication to express his/her feelings. If a partner in marriage does not respect the other partner's feelings, there is a problem. A problem such a husband or wife must not sweep under the carpet, but must face and deal with. Because due to the purpose and nature of the marriage institution, the two people in it must care about each other's feelings for the partnership to be successful. There is no point in staying in a relationship/marriage where one's partner does not care about or respect one's feelings. Staying with such a partner is equivalent to a life sentence of pain and sorrow.
My stand on submission is clear. A woman is not obligated to submit to cruel and unjust acts of the husband. If a woman is not expected to obey her husband when he ask her not to pay tithe and give offerings to the poor, she should not be asked to obey and submit to him when he does things that are damaging and hurtful to her. I'm pained when I see the hypocrisy of religious people on life affecting issues. And the most distressing thing about it is that people are being deceived, misled and destroyed innocently by the same people that have been put in the position to help and save. It's not right to strip partners of the right to express their feelings and opinions to their partners in marriage on the ground that one is the head. One of the roles of a help mate is to act as checks and balances to the deeds and actions of the head. If the head is turned into a god that cannot be approached and be real with, if the head is so full of himself that he is not aware of his need for humility and love, then the disconnect between the two partners will definitely encourage and produce an abusive relationship in the marriage. There is no way it will not happen. And once one partner becomes abusive to the other partner, there will be a gradual loss of love, regard, respect, oneness, peace, health, joy, fulfillment, and purpose in the marriage.
After some time, if nothing is done to savage the situation, one or the two partners in the marriage will have big voids in them, because the marriage would have lost its relevance. They will start looking to fill the voids by seeking for fulfillment. In the process of trying to get fulfillment outside the marriage that is alive only in appearance, more complications will be introduced into the marriage. The bottom line is this, once partners cannot be real and true with one another about their pleasure or displeasure in marriage, the marriage stops being real and healthy. We should not encourage pretense, desperation, impunity oppression, and injustice in the name of religion and culture.
Life is to be enjoyed and not to be endured!
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