It was obvious to me that my mum was sad and disturbed by the experience I had with Broda Samu. But she did something that I didn't know troubled and hurt me until I became an adult, and was healing from the damage I suffered in the abusive marriage I was in. I had to face my demons, deal with the roots of the issues that produced the fruits of negativity on my inside. It was a huge shock when I realized that I felt betrayed by two of my mum's deeds concerning the Broda Samu's saga. She asked me not to tell my dad about what happened with Broda Samu and I obeyed her. She did not confront Broda Samu, neither did she let him know that she was aware of what he did to me.
Believe me when I say that I was SHOCKED the day I discovered that I held these two things against my mum, without knowing I did for over twenty years. I was in my early thirties when I had a heart to heart talk with my mum about it. She told me the reasons for her action and inaction. Guess what it was? Fear of being blamed for the abuse. Fear of being judged a bad mother. Fear of her child being stigmatised. Fear of her husband's anger. Fear of causing a scandal...
I know my mum loves all her children. She is a good mother. But the prevailing mindset and harsh judgmental attitudes towards women by the society that is addicted to victim blaming made her fail in her primary duty to her child. She swept the whole incidence under the carpet of her memory.
By so doing, she passed across a wrong message to me, her child. A child sees everything. They observe and note everything adults do, especially their parents. I didn't understand the society's judgmental attitudes towards women, I didn't know that my mum's request not to tell my dad was out of fear of my dad's reaction. She said he would have sent the whole family out of the house after probably killing Broda Samu, and since the family were good family friends, she didn't want to rock the boat. I understand her reasoning now that I'm grown (even if I don't approve of them), but the little girl Abiade didn't know all these. She thought it was her fault that what happened happened. She felt alone and hurt and couldn't talk to her mummy or daddy about it because she was told not to tell daddy by mummy. She had no chance to deal with the abuse.
So the little girl packed all the negative emotions that were unresolved in her and swept them under the carpet of her memory. Only to be tormented by them every now and then. Seriously tormented until I eventually dealt with it all later on in life, on my journey to healing and recovery. I know there are lots of mothers that are still bound by the fear of being judged a bad mother. Mothers that fail to defend their female children by exposing and persecuting the pedophiles that abused them. All in the name of culture and religion.
We should keep in mind that when we fail to secure justice for an abused child, that child is being subjected to abuse of trust, the truth she has in you as her guiding angel. Parents should cultivate the mindset of not minding what people will say. They should forget all their selfish reservations and do only what is best for the abused child. An abused child needs counselling. She needs to talk about her experience, and feel the love and support of her loved ones. She needs to see her perpetrator is punished for the wrong done to her. She needs professional attention and time to sort out the traumatic experience she went through. Mothers, please don't shy away from confronting abuse in the lives of your children. I know it might not be easy, but no one says being a mother is.
Though I've forgiven my mum and I'm healed, I've learnt from my experience that failing to address abuse suffered by a child has dire consequences in the life of that child.
Life is to be enjoyed and not to be endured!
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