HOSEI WOMEN - THE ORIGIN OF ABUSE

 

The problem of domestic abuse/violence has for a long time been swept under the carpet by cultural norms and gender traditions that treat domestic abuse as a non issue. In the past, it was believed that husbands had the right to beat and physically abuse their wives, even under the law. It was generally acceptable for a man to physically violate his wife in the name of correction/discipline. Unfortunately, some people still hold this old and wrong belief.

In the past, while some husbands only beat their wives when they commit serious offenses like adultery, child neglect and so on, some men beats their wives at the slightest provocation; sometimes, for no just reason. Please don't misunderstand me, I'm not saying there is any justification for a man to beat or abuse his wife physically or in any other way. Abuse of any kind is wrong and a crime against God and humanity. A breach of trust and love. However, it's good to understand the history of domestic violence so that we can understand the reasons for the silent approval it enjoys from culture, religion and the society at large.

Though laws have been passed in modern times and domestic violence/abuse has become a crime, the old belief is still in a lot of people, including professionals, religious leaders and people in positions of authority. These people, based on the belief that a man can treat his woman anyhow he desires, counsel victims with this wrong mindset, stating that it is the husband's preoperative to "discipline" his wife by physically abusing her or by subjecting her to any of the other kinds of abuse. They counsel victims to "love the abuser harder", "love the abuser unconditionally", "to submit to the abuser's deeds", "to give more and expect less", "to endure", "to take responsibility for the abuse, since it's the victim's fault too. It takes two to tango", and so on and so forth. But nothing could be farther from the truth. Doing all those things will never solve the problem with an abusive partner, and in abusive relationships/marriages, it does not take two to tango, it only takes one person.

In fact, overlooking the abusive behaviour and loving the abuser in spite of it often makes the abuse worse. The only way to deal with abuse is to face and deal with it. First and foremost, the abuser must be willing to accept that physical or any other type of abuse is not a husband's prerogative or right. He must accept that abuse is wrong and that it's a violation of the victim's human rights. Then, the abuser must accept that he needs to change his abusive ways for the relationship/marriage  to become healthy and mutually beneficial for him and the victim. He must be willing to get help and be committed to all that is needed to be done to make the relationship/marriage abuse free.

If the abuser is not ready to do all these, and he is not ready to stop the abuse, getting out of the relationship/marriage becomes the only option for the victim. Apart from dying in or being destroyed by the abuse that is.

Life is to be enjoyed and not to be endured!