I used to admire and envy all married women before I became one. The fact that they were able to secure the love, life-long-commitment and devotion of a man placed them high in my regard. Not only that, the fact that the men they were married to had the support, love and complete loyalty of these gorgeous married women made me look forward to entering into the holy matrimony of marriage.
But when I got into the 'system', no word can express the total disappointment, despair, shock, and evil I found in it. I thought it was something personal. That my discovery of the pretense, play acting, abuse, oppression, domination, cheating and infidelity, irresponsibilities, lies, lack of regard, hypocrisy and blatant double standards I experienced were just in my dysfunctional marriage. I was devastated. Why was it my marriage that will be empty and draining? I see lots of beautiful, happy and well put together married women around me, and here I was, the odd one out. Was it that I was not loving, caring and good enough? Was it that the man I married was not good? I started asking myself, my ex and God questions.
My ex said I was the problem. That my expectations were too high. That was idealistic. That there was nothing he was doing to me that other men were not doing to their wives. He said other wives were the ones feeding their families. They are the ones putting money in their husband's pocket, they are cheated on by their husbands but they dare not cheat or object to infidelity. The man is entitled to live as he likes and bear no responsibility and accountability to the family, while the woman bears all, with no identify and life of her own. The woman is to sacrifice all, including her life, for the man and children if need be. She is not to complain, object or express contrary opinions. She ceases to be a good, virtuous wife the moment she wants to enforce boundaries to protect her sanity. Her body is not hers again once she is married. It can be misused, abused and infected with sexually transmitted diseases by the husband for all he cares, after all, he is the head of the home, above reproach. The man has the prerogative to abuse and treat his wife anyhow and way he wants. That was my ex's summary of the marital relationship between a man and his wife.
I told him he was lying, that he was only trying to make me believe this for his selfish reasons. And he gladly asked me to go and investigate his claims, giving me pointers among mutual friends to start from. I am yet to recover from the shock of my findings. I found out that though there are lots of healthy, balanced, beautiful and worthy of admiration marriages, there are more marriages that are looking good on the surface but full of worms, rottenness and evil on the inside. I found out that the claims of my ex about the state of the "present day marriages" was not a lie but a horrible truth.
What I found most alarming is the fact that women are tolerating and allowing this decadence in the institution of marriage to continue. We are accepting abnormalities and dysfunctional realities as the norm. Stripping the institution of marriage of love, purpose, beauty, honour, peace and reverence by so doing. Turning the purpose of marriage upside down in the name of patriarchy, religion and culture. Taking advantage of the loving, giving and nurturing nature in women, stripping them of their identity, worth and power and turning them into robots to be manipulated and used.
I asked God, and through His word and works, I discovered that His ordained will for marriage has been twisted and displaced by the evil deeds of men in abusive marriages. Since my discovery of the shameful state of matrimonial relationships/marriages, I have ceased being cheap in admiring and envying married women. I only admire and envy the married women that are in healthy and happy marriages. They are not hard to know. They are the ones full of love for and no fear of their husbands. The ones with bright and clear eyes with no secrets to hide. The ones with views and opinions expressed in freedom and total regard for their husbands. The ones that do not allow any form of abuse from their partners. They are the liberated and empowered women. The ones that have a true partner and lover in their husbands. The ones that will not abuse a man for they are not being abused. I can go on and on.
My heart cry is that every woman will liberate herself from abuse and wrong/twisted realities, and be bold to believe and possess the right/ordained realities.
Life is to be enjoyed and not to be endured!
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