HOSEI WOMEN - STAY TRUE TO YOURSELF

The first time I discovered that my ex had been sexually unfaithful to me, I felt like the earth had collapsed under me. I didn't see it coming at all, though I should have, with all his long periods away from home. I'm aware that people have different views on the issue of sexual faithfulness in marriage. I know for sure that everyone wants a faithful partner/ spouse, both men and women. However, most people are of the school of thought that it is not possible for a man to be sexually faithful to his wife.

I beg to disagree with that belief. It might not be common, it might be rare, but I know of men that are sexually faithful to their partners. Some of these sexually faithful men chose to be faithful because of religious belief. Some are faithful because of personal choice/principle/conviction. And there are men that are sexually faithful to their wives because of their wives. They know they will lose her if they ever cheat on her, and they do not want that to ever happen. They love and cherish their wives too much to allow that to happen.

The day I told my ex I was a virgin, he asked me to request for anything I wanted and he would give me. I told him that what I wanted was for him to promise me that he would be sexually faithful to me when we got married. That if he did that, I'll be his forever, and he promised. Not for once in marriage, did I doubt his faithfulness, even when I should have. I'm a person of my word, and I expect everyone else to be. Unfortunately, I now know not everyone is. For me, a promise is a debt, a commitment that is binding, an agreement of honour between the "promisor" and the "promisee". You better not promise me something if you are not sure of doing it, for I will definitely hold you to it. That's the kind of person I am.

And I give as much as I take. Once I make a commitment or promise, I fulfill my end of the deal to the best of my abilities. I don't like disappointing people. If I'm not sure of doing something, I'll not promise to do it. So when my ex promised to be sexually faithful to me, I took him by his words and believed him. Not for once did I doubt his sincerity. When he had to confess his unfaithfulness to me (totally out of his control I must say. Lol!), l felt betrayed. But because of my relationship with God, I forgave him and asked him to promise me again that he won't cheat on me anymore. He promised and that was that. I didn't doubt him, I didn't spy on him or anything. I completely took him by his words. The next time I found out he was unfaithful to me, something died in me towards him and the marriage. 

Apart from the first confession, he never admitted verbally to being unfaithful to me. But his guilt was always all over him throughout the marriage. Once I was able to confirm his extra marital affairs,without being able to help it, I lost all interest in him sexually. I started resenting his touch and any form of physical intimacy with him. I felt in me that my life wasn't safe with him. I lost faith and confidence in him and the marriage. But I forgave him, so as not to affect my love affair with my God. 

Then I discovered that he didn't only cheat on me with regular ladies and women, but he actually slept with professional prostitutes. Everything that I felt towards him died and the marriage became a prison I was dying in. I found it repulsive to be intimate with him. I lost every form of respect and regard for him. I felt I was being untrue to myself by being with him. I didn't want to have anything to do with him as long as he was what he was. I couldn't bear being untrue to myself so as to be true to him anymore. I couldn't make myself to overlook, condone, and tolerate that betrayal of trust. It was too much for me to bear. Each time he touched me, I felt dirty. I started feeling that I was married to a prostitute. 

You know, it is easier to understand and respect if a cheating man cheats with a woman better than his wife. Not that it will be less painful, but it will make more sense than if he is cheating with someone lesser in all ramifications to his wife.

Then it's also more decent, respectful and safe if his cheating partner is not a professional prostitute, no matter how loose that person might be. A professional prostitute is someone that sleeps with anyone as long as that person can afford her fees. No matter how careful they are, they are susceptible to sexually transmitted diseases, skin diseases, and every form of human fleets. They are emotionally bankrupt, filled with all forms of contrary spirits, vices and dirt. They are human beings that have become hardened and corrupt by the reason of the abuse suffered through their profession. And anyone that sleeps with them becomes them. 

While I have a strong feeling of sympathy for prostitutes and the plights they face in life, I believe they chose to live that kind of life by choice. I don't believe that there are no choices in life. There are always more than one choice in every given situation, it's just that we sometimes choose not to see an alternative unwanted choice as a choice, and we claim to have no choice. That's a talk for another day. I have been in many situations where I could have prostituted myself. Many times I could have justifiably done so, but because of my personal choice and love/respect for God, I didn't do so. To now become a prostitute because I got married to a man that sees nothing wrong with sleeping with prostitutes and had become a prostitute by so doing, was something I nearly ran medically insane in trying to do. 

I tried. Please, believe me I tried. I didn't want my marriage to fail, I didn't want to disappoint those that had invested in me, looked up to me and counted on me, so I tried. But I failed in being able to bear and endure it. I couldn't betray myself like that. I couldn't but be true to myself and my feelings, my convictions. I couldn't silence the inner voice that kept crying and screaming in pain, disgust and shame. I couldn't allow my body to be continually defiled by someone I called my husband. A husband that had not only betrayed me, but was also violating/abusing me by his betrayal. That is not a husband. Calling such a man a husband is an abuse of name and title. I'll rather not have a husband than to call such a person my husband. I am not saying this in a derogatory manner. I am only sharing the thoughts, feelings and beliefs that informed my subsequent decision to walk out of the marriage with my head held high in dignity and honour. 

I am a honourable person. A queen, royalty. I am not someone to share a man with a prostitute. Neither is my man someone to sleep with a prostitute. It's not pride, it's the truth.

And it is this truth that made me know I wasn't married to my husband. I definitely made a mistake marrying the person I married in my first marriage. For if it wasn't a mistake, he wouldn't have believed sleeping with a prostitute was acceptable. My charge to women that share my feelings is that we should stay true to ourselves. If you cannot bear something, don't force yourself to tolerate it. It's not worth it. Nothing is worth losing your sanity, peace, identity, value, worth and esteem for. Not culture, religion, financial security, fear of what people will say, not even your children is worth going insane for. 

If there are anything you do not want or cannot bear in your life and marriage, deal with them. If the person/people involved are not co-operating with you to positively resolve the issue/problem, do right for yourself by staying true to what you want. Stand on your beliefs and convictions. Don't compromise, don't close your eyes to problems, deal with them. Don't be timid and fearful, don't be afraid. Be bold, be assertive and be decisive. Stay true to yourself. 

Life is to be enjoyed and not to be endured!