HOSEI WOMEN - THANKFULNESS

Thankful, that is what we should be. Thankful for being alive. Thankful for the year 2015 and all we went through in it. Thankful of all the ups and downs. Thankful for every month, day and hour that we lived and enjoyed in the year. Thankful we are among the ones that witnessed the end of the year.

We all have different and common reasons to be thankful for, but if we do not consciously activate a thankful mode, we might not be as thankful as we should be. No matter what we're going through presently. No matter whether we feel thankful or not, no matter whether we were able or unable to fulfill all our set goals for the year, no matter the pains, losses and disappointment faced in the year 2015, no matter the friends that became "frienemies", and the ones that stayed true, we should be thankful.

HOSEI WOMEN - LIFE IS WORTH FIGHTING FOR

There are consequences for every of our actions, whether good or bad. There is nothing we do in life that has no consequence. That is why it's very important that before we do anything at all, we must think it through and decide whether we are ready for the corresponding consequence(s) of our action(s).

There is a price to be paid for every decision we take. There are no free lunches in life. Nothing good comes easy, it's the importance of a thing that determines whether we are willing to pay the price for it.

Nothing is free in life. Freedom, confidence, empowerment, success, achievement, healthy relationship/marriage, well mannered and trained children, fabulous career, comfortable lifestyle, happy life, etc, everything comes with a price. The willingness and determination to pay the price for what we want is what determines whether we are able to get it.

HOSEI WOMEN - EVERY DISAPPOINTMENT IS A BLESSING

 

I was taught by my parents, while growing up, that every disappointment is a blessing. I had a difficult time understanding and believing this. How can something so devastating and upsetting like disappointment be good, much more, being a blessing. My skepticism grew in bounds when I started having personal experiences with disappointment. By the time I was in my late teens, I concluded that the saying is just to console and reduce the negative effects of disappointment on those that experience it. I kept experiencing disappointment upon disappointment in my life, that I thought I was going to be a failure in life. For every positive and good thing that happens to me, I experienced countless disappointments.

Yet, instead of failing, my life kept getting better. Every disappointment gave me wisdom, direction, strength, courage, and determination. Every disappointment I experienced gave birth to bigger and better opportunities. By the time I was in my early to middle twenties, I stopped fearing disappointment, even though I still considered it an enemy. I still cry and become inconsolable for long periods after experiencing disappointment in my life. And even when something better comes my way and I'm comforted, I still think back on the lost opportunity that caused my disappointment with regret and pain.

HOSEI WOMEN - DEAL OR NO DEAL

There is a television show I love watching called Deal or No Deal. It's a show where risk taking is the order of the day and only the bold hearted and courageous get the best from it. Contestants are offered different monetary compensations at different stages in the show in lieu of staying on in the game and holding on to the possibility of winning the highest possible prize. The contestants that are lion hearted, bold and courageous hold on till they get the best possible offer, while the chicken hearted ones settle for less than they are worth. On the other hand, some over-confident contestants stay longer than they should in the game and end up losing totally or they suffer devastating loses. 

Life is like the Deal or No Deal television show. In life, we offer and are offered deals on a daily basis. Deals that will determine the quality and outcome of our lives. Deals on what to be, how to live, who stays or leaves our lives, the kind of people in our lives, the influence and control of culture and religion in our lives, the amount of power we give others in our lives, the amount of peace, happiness and wellness in our lives, the choices we make, the offers we give and accept or reject etc.

HOSEI WOMEN - ESSENCE OF CHRISTMAS

 

I woke up this morning thankful and happy to be alive on this Christmas day. Two days ago, a younger friend called me to ask whether I'm interested in buying Christmas chicken, for she is selling. I told her I'll love to, but I have no money to buy. She came over to my house yesterday with a big chicken and some foodstuffs. Though I have no money in my bank accounts, though I have unfulfilled dreams, though my life is not perfect, I am full of happiness and peace. For God has been so good to me. I have blessings money can and cannot buy.

I am alive and well. I am living the life I want. I am true to myself and all around me. I am secured in my Father's love.

We tend to overlook the things we have and concentrate on the things we are yet to attain as human beings. And that is a big mistake. For a person that does that will never be able to enjoy and appreciate the good things in his/her life. He/she will always be striving for new heights, never enjoying or being content with life.

HOSEI WOMEN - STRENGTH FROM WITHIN

 

A lot of us, when we are unhappy about one thing or the other in our lives, or when we do not even know the cause of our unhappiness, look to other people; spouses, family members, friends, colleagues, our children and so on to fix us up and take away our unhappiness. We believe that it is the responsibility of these people to step in and make us happy since we do the same for them.

While it's okay to have expectations of people in our lives, we should be primarily responsible for our own happiness and well-being. You owe yourself the duty to know what makes you happy, the things that cause you unrest, things that disturb your peace, things that rob you of confidence, faith, hope and joy. The kind of people that are compatible and beneficial to you, those that are not. The things that excite you, gladden your heart. Situations that bring out the worst in you and those that bring out the best in you, the things you can tolerate, those you cannot, and so on and so forth.

HOSEI WOMEN - ADOPTION

 

We deny ourselves the opportunity of loving and being loved because of cultural reasons that make no sense as waiting parents. It is believed in our part of the world that until a woman gives birth to children, she cannot enjoy the joy of being a mother. Even when she does all a mother does to children under her care, she is regarded as a care giver or a steward and not a mother. Because of this discriminatory and narrow minded mentality, a lot of waiting parents are discouraged from adopting children. They waste precious years they could have used to love and be loved if they adopt a child, to languish in yearnings words cannot utter.

There are lots of healthy, beautiful and precious children in need of parents love. In need of a home where they can have a feel of family life. Children that will fill the vacuum in the lives and hearts of waiting parents as they are in turn given the opportunity to grow up enjoying a mother's and father's love. But this seems impossible with the prejudices our society harbors against adoption. Waiting parents are advised against adoption with comments like - "There is no way someone else's child will be a true and loyal child to you", "You will only labour in vain. When the time to enjoy the fruits of your labour is ripe, someone else will enjoy it", "Adopted children are high risk because of the unknown blood line in them. They may be from a family of lunatics, diseased or flawed in one way or another".

HOSEI WOMEN - WHAT LIES UNDERNEATH

I used to admire and envy all married women before I became one. The fact that they were able to secure the love, life-long-commitment and devotion of a man placed them high in my regard. Not only that, the fact that the men they were married to had the support, love and complete loyalty of these gorgeous married women made me look forward to entering into the holy matrimony of marriage.

But when I got into the 'system', no word can express the total disappointment, despair, shock, and evil I found in it. I thought it was something personal. That my discovery of the pretense, play acting, abuse, oppression, domination, cheating and infidelity, irresponsibilities, lies, lack of regard, hypocrisy and blatant double standards I experienced were just in my dysfunctional marriage. I was devastated. Why was it my marriage that will be empty and draining? I see lots of beautiful, happy and well put together married women around me, and here I was, the odd one out. Was it that I was not loving, caring and good enough? Was it that the man I married was not good? I started asking myself, my ex and God questions.

HOSEI WOMEN - RESIST DESPERATION

It bothers me when I talk with women and I see the desperate approach they have towards romantic relationships and marriage. There is this do or die attitude we have about hooking and keeping a man that destroys the whole purpose and essence of a healthy relationship/marriage. Marriage is not and should not be a do or die thing. People should marry only when they meet someone they are compatible with. But what do we have nowadays? While men are goal oriented, focused and choosy about who they date and marry without entertaining any form of sentiments, women are desperately selling themselves cheap, compromising on necessary standards, over-compensating and doing all kinds of things that portray them as desperate and unworthy.

I see beautiful, well educated, hard-working, resourceful, industrious, charismatic and intelligent women turning themselves into statistics in a bid to justify their desperation. They under charge themselves to men that would have gladly worshiped the floor they walk on if only they have a proper understanding of their worth and value.

HOSEI WOMEN - THE EVIL OF RAPE (3)

Every morning, afternoon and night, there are men raping their wives on their matrimonial bed. Despite the fact that marital rape is an offence punishable under the law in Nigeria, many people are refusing to accept or recognize this hideous offence as a crime. I believe the reason for this is our general nature of applying sentiments to issues.

The argument of people that say it's not possible for a husband to rape his wife is that a man has a right of access to the wife's body whenever he wants it. I agree with this fact totally, as long as the woman is in agreement. No is no, even if the parties are married. I know there are some Nos that are really Yes, when a wife wants her man to work for it. I'm not talking about those kind of Nos. I'm talking about the Nos that are heart generated. Does a man have a right to forcibly violate and defile his wife? We must keep in mind that the right a man has over his wife's body is given by God and the wife in trust, to love and to cherish. It therefore infers that for a man to legitimately claim ownership and access to his wife's body, he must be mindful and true to the duty to love and cherish his wife (body, soul and spirit).

HOSEI WOMEN - THE EVIL OF RAPE (2)

I was at an event recently where a middle aged man said with confidence that a woman that exposes her cleavage in a dress or shirt is issuing out an invitation to any interested man to molest or rape her. I was beyond shocked. My reaction wasn't because of the absurdity of what the man said alone, but the fact that many other men in the audience smiled and nodded in agreement! I hear parents and people generally justifying rape on the ground that the dressing of the victim is the reason for the crime. If the victim had been decently dressed, the rapist would have controlled himself.

Are we saying that the self control, self discipline and morals of men disappears at the sight of a cleavage? Then why is it that other men see women dressed in the same way but do not rape them? 

I can imagine some people thinking men have different levels of control. But the truth is rape has nothing to do with self control or discipline. Rapists don't rape because they couldn't control their sexual urges. They don't rape because of love. They don't rape because of indecent dressing (please keep in mind that I'm not justifying or excusing indecent dressing).

HOSEI WOMEN - THE EVIL OF RAPE

 

Every day, thousands of young girls, ladies and women are raped in Nigeria. That most of the victims of this hideous crime do not report to the appropriate authority does not mean it's not happening. And the perpetrators of this inhuman crime are people well known to the victims; friends, neighbours, classmates,  colleagues, and intimate partners (boyfriends, fiancée and husbands).

Victims of rape are left with severe emotional and psychological problems even after recovering from the physical damage suffered from the ordeal. The perpetrators are either left to go scot-free after bribing their way out of being prosecuted, or they are not prosecuted at all because of their relationship with the victim (i.e boyfriends and husbands). It's highly disturbing to note the trivial and permissive attitude we display towards the crime of rape. The victim's parents discourage their child from seeking redress under the law because of fear of being stigmatized. Instead of facing the world and standing by their child, they will rather blame the poor girl for the ordeal or instruct her to keep silent and disclose the incident to no one. 

HOSEI WOMEN - RECOVERING FROM DOMESTIC ABUSE

Domestic violence/abuse is not caused by alcohol use, it's not caused by drug addictions. People may sometimes blame domestic violence on substance abuse, but half of all batterers/abusers do not use drugs nor drink.

Abuse does not happen because the victim cooked the wrong food, or because another man looked at her. Abuse is not happening because the victim stayed too long at the market, or because the victim is not submissive. Domestic violence does not happen because the victim did or did not do something, or because the abuser "snapped" or is "out of control". Just the opposite.

HOSEI WOMEN - DISCRIMINATION AGAINST VICTIMS MUST STOP

Many victims of domestic violence/abuse stay with their abusive partners because of fear of retribution. If they leave, they know they may be harmed, killed or condemned to a life not fit for even an animal. Some victims know how vicious their abusers can be and they fear that if they leave the abusive marriage, they might lose their children. Some are afraid that their abusive partners will hunt them down no matter where they run to and make life miserable for them.

A lot of times we wonder aloud why abused women stay on in abusive relationships/marriages. They stay because they cannot bear to consider living the kind of life they will be subjected to live if they leave. Even though they will only have to live "that life" for only a short while, till they find their feet and create the life of their dreams, fear keeps them from realizing this. Some fear they will lose their children to their abusive spouse if they leave, who might transfer the abuse on the children. Some are afraid they will be left to bear the financial responsibility over the children without any financial or material assistance from their abusive partners if they leave.

HOSEI WOMEN - THE ORIGIN OF ABUSE

 

The problem of domestic abuse/violence has for a long time been swept under the carpet by cultural norms and gender traditions that treat domestic abuse as a non issue. In the past, it was believed that husbands had the right to beat and physically abuse their wives, even under the law. It was generally acceptable for a man to physically violate his wife in the name of correction/discipline. Unfortunately, some people still hold this old and wrong belief.

In the past, while some husbands only beat their wives when they commit serious offenses like adultery, child neglect and so on, some men beats their wives at the slightest provocation; sometimes, for no just reason. Please don't misunderstand me, I'm not saying there is any justification for a man to beat or abuse his wife physically or in any other way. Abuse of any kind is wrong and a crime against God and humanity. A breach of trust and love. However, it's good to understand the history of domestic violence so that we can understand the reasons for the silent approval it enjoys from culture, religion and the society at large.

HOSEI WOMEN - MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION TO END VIOLENCE

We need to stop minding our own business when we witness domestic violence and abuse. Domestic violence/abuse is everyone's business. Abuse exists in every neighbourhood and it has nothing to do with social-economic status or educational level. Abuse is an unpleasant topic most of us would prefer to believe does not exist. We don't want to admit that abuse exists in our families, neighbourhood, churches, mosques and even in our own marriages. The first step we all need to take is to decide that domestic violence/abuse is unacceptable. Being able to admit and accept that abuse is happening to you is the first step towards self liberation for a victim.

Many victims of abuse suffer in silence because of the shame that is usually attached to domestic violence. So instead of speaking out and getting help, they silently endure the abuse. With time, they stop resisting the abuse and become numb to it. Before a victim can overcome the experience of domestic violence/abuse, they need to know how to stop the vicious cycle of abuse they find themselves in.

HOSEI WOMEN - ZERO TOLERANCE FOR DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

Domestic violence/abuse is present in all levels of society. To ignore it is to permit it to continue. Abuse of women has far-reaching health consequences for a woman and her children. Women who are in abusive relationships/marriages suffer higher rates of health problems and social dysfunction.

I had five different health challenges/medical conditions when I was in the abusive marriage with my ex. I was taking drugs as if it was food. And all the drugs did was to manage my conditions, they couldn't cure me. It was in the second month of leaving the marriage that I realised that even though I wasn't using my medications, all the symptoms of the different ailments I had had vanished. Everything went back to normal. My period became regular, my heart beat stopped its erratic permutation, the chronic migraine that had defiled medication disappeared, the chronic depression vanished, the anxiety attacks that was my constant companion stopped, with it my uncontrollable, unnatural sleeping habits. It was not really sleep. I guess it was just a survival mechanism that makes me go unconscious whenever my brain could not handle all the negative emotions within me. For even though I'll be asleep and unconscious, I used to hear everything people around me were saying. Especially if they were making fun of me or talking about me. I will be snoring so loud, yet I used to hear things being said around me.

HOSEI WOMEN - CHILD SEXUAL MOLESTATION (4)

Till today, I am not sure of the reason(s) that made me not to confide in my mother about the things Brother Samu was doing with me earlier than I did. I've always had a good relationship with her. She never gave me any reason to fear or hide things from her. So you can imagine how confusing it has been trying to remember what made my six year old self keep the terrible experience she was going through to herself for some time before finally telling her mummy. Why didn't I tell my mummy the first time it happened?

Maybe I was so traumatized by each experience, my little girl mind wanted to pretend it wasn't happening. Or maybe I knew in my subconscious that what Broda Samu was doing with me was wrong and I wanted to protect him from my parents' wrath. Or maybe I was afraid of being punished in case I was judged to be wrong. I really don't know why I kept quiet about the abuse for a while before eventually confiding in my mother. Whatever might have been the reason, the truth is there are many little girls that are going through similar experiences presently, who are not confiding in their mummies or anyone else. They are keeping quite like I did. Silently hoping someone will notice that something is wrong, and will help them put a stop to the trauma.

HOSEI WOMEN - CHILD SEXUAL MOLESTATION (3)

It was obvious to me that my mum was sad and disturbed by the experience I had with Broda Samu. But she did something that I didn't know troubled and hurt me until I became an adult, and was healing from the damage I suffered in the abusive marriage I was in. I had to face my demons, deal with the roots of the issues that produced the fruits of negativity on my inside. It was a huge shock when I realized that I felt betrayed by two of my mum's deeds concerning the Broda Samu's saga. She asked me not to tell my dad about what happened with Broda Samu and I obeyed her. She did not confront Broda Samu, neither did she let him know that she was aware of what he did to me.

Believe me when I say that I was SHOCKED the day I discovered that I held these two things against my mum, without knowing I did for over twenty years. I was in my early thirties when I had a heart to heart talk with my mum about it. She told me the reasons for her action and inaction. Guess what it was? Fear of being blamed for the abuse. Fear of being judged a bad mother. Fear of her child being stigmatised. Fear of her husband's anger. Fear of causing a scandal...

HOSEI WOMEN - CHILD SEXUAL MOLESTATION (2)

Broda Samu got into the habit of performing his criminal ritual with me. He'll remove my pant and play with "his thing" while looking at me. I was five-six years old at the time. After like the third time he did this to me, I started avoiding him. My five year old mind didn't know what he was doing was wrong, but I discovered I didn't like him anymore. He continued being nice to me though, so my innocent mind was conflicted. I couldn't understand why I didn't like Broda Samu anymore, and I didn't want him to stop being nice to me. There was a day he called me while I was with my mother and I ignored him, pretending I didn't hear him. My mum scolded me for being rude and commanded me to go to him. I became angry that he made my mum scold me, and showed this by being insolent and rude but he ignored my rudeness and sent me on the errand he called me for.

One day I was in the sitting room gisting with my mum. She was telling me about her childhood days and I told her what Broda Samu had been doing with me as my contribution to the gist. The first sign I noticed that drew my attention to the fact that all was not well was my mum's sudden shout of dismay. Then she grabbed me touching me all over and asking whether I hurt anywhere. I told her no, that what Broda Samu does with me does not hurt at all. I described in details what he always does and my mum listened carefully, asking me questions here and there. Then she started cursing Broda Samu after relating everything to her. That was when I knew that Broda Samu had wronged me. 

HOSEI WOMEN - CHILD SEXUAL MOLESTATION

I was a victim of child molestation and abuse. It happened when I was between the ages of 5 and 6. There was this family that was living in the other wing of the face-me-I-face-you house my family was living in then. They had children of my age group that were my friends and playmates. The husband also had a younger brother who was in his late teens or early twenties at that time, who was living with them. His name was Samuel but everybody called him "Samu", to the children, he was addressed as "Broda Samu".

My parents were career people. Though they were attentive and loving to my siblings and I, they couldn't stay at home with us 24 hours of the day. Whenever they had to go out, we were left in the care of our neighbours. The couple worked too, but the wife was a cleaner that closed from work early. And anytime she had to go out, she in turn left us and her children in the care of Broda Samu. I didn't mind being home alone with my siblings and neighbours/friends. In fact, we all loved it whenever we were, because we get to go downstairs and play with other neighbourhood children, which was not allowed when my parents were around.

HOSEI WOMEN - RELIGION AND MARRIAGE DISPUTES (2)

A lot of people have been made to believe, by religion and culture, that marriage is not meant to be enjoyed but endured. So veteran married women that have experienced little or no happiness in their marriage indoctrinate the newly weds to endure their marriage when faced with challenges in their marriage instead of telling them to stand on their convictions while doing all that is necessary to deal with and remove the challenge in partnership with their husbands. While it is a fact that couples in marriage are meant to grow together and make themselves better people as they walk together in love and agreement, the importance of mutual agreement must never be under-emphasized. For it takes agreement for the couples to co-operate with one another while resolving whatever issues come their way in the marriage. Love can be worked on in a relationship/marriage where it is lacking, but agreement has to be by freewill for it to be true agreement.

A lot of people have lived their married life in sorrow and endurance, while their partners have found soul mates outside the marriage, someone they find more compatible. They however remain married to their spouses for appearance/convenience sake. While their partner's life and dreams go down the drain in frustration and disappointment, especially if that partner chose not to engage in illicit affairs too. I personally see situations like this as unfair and a total waste of life and destiny. Why should a person endure a marriage that is dead if one partner is not interested in making it work?

HOSEI WOMEN - RELIGION AND MARRIAGE DISPUTES

I have ceased to believe that it is wrong for people that are married to decide to go their separate ways if the marriage is not working out due to irreconcilable differences. I was made to believe by religion that marriage is for a lifetime, whether it's a good or bad one. Now, my belief is that only marriages where the parties are committed to make the union work and successful are for a lifetime. Any marriage that the parties in it are not working out their differences and is therefore not healthy or toxic should be dissolved if one or the two partners wants it so, for the good of all involved.

Whether we want to face the truth or not, there are differences that cannot be resolved, reconciled or compromised on between two people for one reason or the other, especially if there is no love in the relationship/marriage. Examples of such differences varies in quantity and quality in relationships/marriages. If two people are totally different in their outlook, mindsets and expectations in and from the institution of marriage, it will be hard for such a couple to dwell together in harmony if there is no will to do so.

HOSEI WOMEN - MUTUAL RESPECT

I made a post in my women support groups on Facebook and Whatsapp two days ago in which I encouraged people to desist from acting nicely towards any person that offends them immediately after the offence so as to show their pain and displeasure to the offender. I stated in the post that such demonstration of displeasure will effectively pass across the message to the offender that his/her offensive action is unacceptable. I was not surprised by the general reaction the write up provoked in people. I got replies like - "It's not good to repay evil with evil", "Two people shouldn't be angry at the same time", "A woman must be submissive if she wants to stay married", and other similar comments. Only some few women made comments in agreement with my opinion.

I said I was not surprised by the general feedback I got on my post because I am well aware of the brainwash of Nigerians, especially because of what Nigerian women have been subjected to through our culture that has a permissive outlook towards domestic abuse and violence and religion that has been made weak by compromise. We have been brainwashed for so long, we are no longer real and realistic. We have become robotic in our speeches and responses, saying things we have been programmed to say and do, not what we actually do or believe to be the right thing to do. We have lost sight of the intents and purposes behind the injunctions and commandments in the holy scriptures, only following the interpretations given by mere mortals like ourselves who insist on obeying the letter and not the spirit of the word. We fail to personally understand and encounter the personality and mindset of the Creator we claim to know and obey.

HOSEI WOMEN - SPEAK OUT, IT HEALS

 
I discovered the therapeutic and healing effect of talking about abuse and violence only after walking out of the abusive marriage I was in. One of the regrets I nursed for a long time after leaving my ex was the fact that I didn't tell my family and loved ones about my ordeal on time. I bore and endured the abuse in silence, thinking I was being faithful and loyal to the man I have vowed to love and cherish; even though he had become the enemy of my soul. Every day, as I groaned under the weight of abuse, I told myself I was only paying the price for being a virtuous woman. I convinced myself that if other married women could do it and stay married, I could do it too. 

Then, the shame and embarrassment of people knowing that things weren't right with my life didn't help matters at all. There was a day my resolve weakened and I tried sharing my experiences with a church member. My ex-mother-in-law (ex-mil) saw me and walked over to us. The church member excused herself and my ex-mil , who I respect and hold in high esteem advised me never to discuss my home and the happenings in it with anyone. She counseled that nothing good can be achieved by doing so. She said it's only God that can help me, so I should keep praying till He did. I obeyed her, though I had mixed feelings about her advice. 

HOSEI WOMEN - I BELIEVE IN LOVE

 
I believe in true love. I believe in marriage. I believe in a man and a woman consummating their love as long as they live, with beautiful children as part of the fruits of their love. I believe in family life. I believe in happily ever after. Contrary to the accusations of those that say that I am anti-marriage, anti-love and anti-men, I'm actually a staunch believer of love, marriage and responsible men. I believe in healthy, balanced and real relationships and despise fake, pretentious, unhealthy and abusive relationships. 

I believe that whatever is worth doing at all, is worth doing well. I detest mediocrity, abuse, oppression, injustice and pretense in relationships/marriage. It kills me to see people suffering unjustly. It pains me when no effort is made to curtail abuse in marriage on the ground of culture and religion. Marriage between two people is either working or not working, worth it or not worth it. And it's the two people in the relationship that should have a say about this and not culture, religion or other people.