HOSEI WOMEN - ABUSE IS A SOCIETAL PROBLEM

There is one major endearing trait in men that make women have a sense of security and safety when they are around. And that is men's protectiveness towards women. Whether a man knows a woman or not, there is always an instinctive reaction of protection towards her when they see that she is in trouble. I have seen a man fight another guy because the later was harassing a lady. Such is the strength of men's sense of responsibility and protection.

Men can be fiercely protective of their mothers, sisters, cousins, daughters, nieces, female friends and even to female strangers. They can kill to protect their loved ones from harm, especially from abuse in the hands of other men. So it was a rude shock the first time I saw some men acting contrary to this innate protective reaction.

The incidence happened on my way to work some years back. I saw a man slapping a pretty young woman and I was furious. Before I could express my displeasure, I suddenly noticed that the few men around were already approaching the man in anger. I was happy and reassured of their presence and reaction. I drew closer, hoping to see the abusive man beaten up by the good Samaritan men. Just as the nearest man raised his hand to hit the man that slapped the woman, the abusive man shouted that the woman he slapped is his wife. I laughed within me in disdain, saying to myself "see coward, he is trying to avoid pain so what does it matter if she is your wife? Does that give you the right to abuse her? Better men than you will teach you the lesson of your life".

HOSEI WOMEN - SUCCESS OR FAILURE OF A MARRIAGE IS SHARED RESPONSIBILITY

It takes the agreement, commitment and co-operation of people in a relationship for that relationship to succeed. While this fact is taken to be true by all, concerning relationships in general, it baffles me that some people believe it does not apply in marital relationships. I often hear leaders in the society, leaders of various religious organizations and traditional individuals say that the success or failure of a marriage depends on the woman in the relationship and I hurt for the injustice and patriarchal mentality behind such statement/reasoning. 

It is believed and accepted by all that the man is the head of the home/marriage/wife. So how did the success or failure of the relationship become the sole responsibility of the woman? 

HOSEI WOMEN - YOUR LIFE IS IN YOUR HANDS

Religion they say is the opium of the people. There are many different religions all over the world, some are however more popular than the others. Religions like Christianity, Islam, Judaism and Hinduism are known everywhere in the world. While these religions have different beliefs and doctrines, they share a common belief, and that is belief in the existence and worship of a Supreme Being, God. The Creator of all things.

Procreation and companionship are also generally believed in all religions to be the purpose of the union between a man and woman in holy matrimony. The institution of marriage is sacred and honored in all religions, and its preservation is seen as a priority. Therefore, the elders, teachers and leaders of different religions formulated doctrines, rules and sentimental teachings meant to discourage the dissolution of marriage by either the man or woman in it. These doctrines directly or indirectly makes it a sin for either party in a marriage to leave, even on the ground of abuse. While some religions are more tolerant and open minded about the issue of divorce, some are rigidly against it, even if staying in the marriage will cost the victim of abuse and the children of the union their lives.

HOSEI WOMEN - MARRIAGE IS A RESPONSIBILITY

The union between a man and woman, though sacred, should not strip either party of their rights as human beings.  One of the rights of every human being is to have the freedom to earn a living. While some people believe it is a husband's prerogative to decide whether his wife should earn a living or not, I strongly disagree with this mindset.

Power corrupts, absolute power corrupts absolutely. The man is generally believed to be the head of the home and the wife, with the duty to provide and protect both the wife and the home. He also has the duty to love and cherish the woman. However, it is generally known that not all men are fulfilling their vow to love and care. Some men are totally immune to the well being and welfare of their wives and home. Yet, they hold with a death-hold grip to their position as the head. They do not play with the rewards and benefits of the position of headship. Forgetting that it is not possible to eat one's cake and have it.

HOSEI WOMEN - MEN ARE VICTIMS TOO

 

It is generally believed that women are more vulnerable to abuse than men. While this is true, a lot of men are being abused by their wives. The statistics of women subjected to domestic abuse is higher than those of men but men are no less vulnerable to abuse. Infact, recent records show a rise in the number of men suffering from domestic abuse in their marriages. It's very difficult if not impossible for men to prove that they are being abused by their wives to outsiders. Because the abuse such men are subjected to are often emotional, mental,and psychological abuse (though some are physically abused by their wives.) The scars and damage are internal and not external. So there nothing physical to support their claim,  especially for men that have imposing stature and look. People judging by their look will find such allegation laughable and ridiculous.

HOSEI WOMEN - MAKE A DECISION ABOUT ABUSE

 

No one should think it is easy for any victim of abuse, (man or woman) to walk out of an abusive relationship. Despite the horrors experienced in such relationships, there are lots of personal factors that makes leaving difficult. But because of the necessity of saving one's life and the lives of innocent loved ones, some victims are left with no choice but to leave.

After leaving the abusive relationship, the victim has the daunting task of rebuilding his/her life all over again. Added to this task is the process of recovering and healing from the effects of the damage caused by the traumatic experiences in the abusive marriage.

With all these overwhelming challenges and pressure, some unfortunate souls choose this vulnerable period to put their nose where it is not needed by sitting in judgement on the victim, instead of having sympathy, if not empathy for him or her. That is when these people will start misquoting the word of God, misrepresenting the Father of all in the process. The One that is Love. They castigate the victim for not being patient, not having enough endurance, not being a good and faithful spouse, as if the proof of faithfulness in a spouse is a wasteful death as a result of abuse.

HOSEI WOMEN - SUCCESS IS NOT EXCLUSIVE

It always amazes me when I see ladies having so much pride in the success and achievements of the men in their lives while they have little or no ambition to be equally as successful. They want to marry and stay married to highly driven and ambitious men. They want a rich, educated and well connected man in their lives, and they do not see the need to be all those things personally.

When deciding on a man to marry, on top of the list of points to consider is the financial, material and educational status of the man. Once all the points have been checked, the man is seen as a good catch. What we fail to admit is that while men are not traditionally expected to have such points on their check list, the men of nowadays do. They don't want their women to be just good cooks and loving beings. They want to be married to intelligent, industrious and empowered women. And when their women fall short of these expectations, respecting such wives becomes difficult for them. It is only insecure, abusive and worthless men that belittle the worth and place of a woman as a productive being in the society.

HOSEI WOMEN - ABUSE IS AN OFFER

Nearly everywhere I turn to, I hear women saying they are just managing their marriages. They are unhappy and unhealthy in their body, soul and spirit due to their experiences in marriage. I see a lot of disillusioned, bruised and battered women, walking zombies, heart broken with dead eyes screaming for help. Tired and burnt out. I see beautiful women with awesome personalities from afar, but on drawing close, I see and feel the overwhelming sorrow and pain they try so hard to hide. The pain of domestic violence/abuse borne for years is apparent and disturbing. It has left an indelible mark on them.

They look like a flower that withered prematurely. Like a beautiful butterfly that has lost its magic due to its entrapment. Their marriages have turned into a life long prison. The offence they committed for their imprisonment is marrying the person they married. A thing of beauty and forever joy has turned into their own forever bondage. Held bound by the hope that their abuser will change. And despite the obvious fact that there is no likelihood of that happening, they hold onto their delusional belief. Yet, heavy and hard to bear is the burden of their imprisonment, for it has no time frame. They fear that they're going to die in it.

HOSEI WOMEN - STAND OUT

 

Betrayals in relationships can ignite different responses from people, depending on orientation, background, support system, personal dispositions and many other factors. The unfaithfulness of a guilty partner can be very difficult to handle for the aggrieved partner.

Unfaithfulness can be in having sexual relation with other people, or not fulfilling the obligations and responsibilities to the relationship and aggrieved partner. It can be by being abusive or detached. Anything that denies the aggrieved party his or her legitimate rights and entitlements is unfaithfulness. To the aggrieved partner, the unfaithfulness of the guilty partner is like having the whole world collapse on his/her life. The pain felt is indescribable. Especially the first time of experiencing the unfaithfulness. What adds insult to injury for the aggrieved partner is the lack of remorse of the guilty partner.

HOSEI WOMEN - TRUST

It is natural for a woman to love not only with her heart, but also with all within her disposal. This is because innately, a woman is a nurturer, life giver, destiny molder, life changer and a help mate. It is the desire of every woman that the man in her life should succeed in all his endeavors, and she is willing to do anything or pay any price for this to happen. No matter how challenged a man is, the presence of a good woman in his life will make a positive difference in his life.

Such is the power of a woman. There is no price too high to pay for the well-being of her man.

For at the back of a woman's mind is the expectation that her labour of love would be appreciated and rewarded by the man when he gets to his throne of success. That her sacrifices will not be in vain. That she will eat the fruits of her labour. No woman would willingly labour over a man that would use and dump her. No woman wants to waste her life on a man that will disappoint and betray her. It is a waste of time, resources and effort if at the end of the day, the man you stand by and labour over does not recognize, appreciate, acknowledge and reward your love when he is in a position to do so.

HOSEI WOMEN - OF CHILDREN AND RELATIONSHIPS

Children are such a source of joy and blessing. They fill our lives and hearts with love so deep it hurts. I have always had a soft spot for children. Tendering to the children of busy mums is a hobby of mine. So the painful disappointment I felt when I didn't get pregnant during my failed marriage wasn't a surprise to me. Despite the fact that the marriage was a source of shame and pain for me, I convinced myself that having a baby would make things better. This belief was planted in me by well meaning family members and friends, and I desperately believed it to be true. 

So I channeled all my energy and frustration into getting pregnant. You will think that meant constant sexual relations with my partner, isn't it? That would have been the natural/rational thing to do. But since my ex was more an absentee husband than an engaged one, that wasn't a possible option. All sexual relations had to be planned for and plenty of reminders drummed into his ears before he will make himself available for the deed. Especially if the purpose of the deed is for me to conceive. 

Being fully aware of my ex's nonchalant attitude and lack of interest in our relationship, and after being informed by my doctor that there was no medical reason for my inability to conceive, I kept torturing myself with all kinds of fertility injections and treatments. It was easier to get money from my ex for the treatments than to have him at home to solve our fertility challenge the natural way. But because I was desperate for any gleam of hope, I closed my eyes to all these and convinced myself that if only I got pregnant, everything would be alright. I was desperate to have a child to hold and love. To have someone to remove the emptiness I felt in the depth of my being. Someone to lessen the dead weight of loneliness and sorrow in my life. 

HOSEI WOMEN - MARRIAGE IS NOT DO OR DIE

 

When eventually I was able to face the truth that the man I was married to was the exact opposite of the kind of man I wanted in my life, I was devastated.

As a born again Christian who is truly committed to the word of God, I thought divorce was not an option for me. Yet, every day was a living hell. I was always ashamed of meeting neighbors and friends that knew and saw the shameful ordeal I faced daily. I was constantly in fear and anxiety, trembling anytime there was a knock on the door. Every day was like a horror film I failed to wake up from. The moment I thought to myself that things could not get worse than they were, something utterly terrible happened to prove me wrong.

HOSEI WOMEN - YOUR POWER HOUSE

Woman, your spirit is your power house. Your true essence. The strength and power in your spirit determines how strong and successful your life is. The revelation in your spirit of who you are in the spirit realm and the love of your Creator for you makes your spirit rich and healthy.

It is with your spirit that you enjoy a love affair with your Creator. A love affair so intense, pure and satisfying that it removes all feeling of lack, hatred, frustration, regret, pain and shame from your being.

HOSEI WOMEN - THE SOUL OF A WOMAN

The soul of a woman is where knowledge, wisdom and understanding reside. It is where her reasoning faculty is. The soul of a woman needs to be developed and invested in continuously for her to be relevant. 

For a woman to be successful in any area of life, she must be a person of conviction.  Someone with a mind of her own with the ability to process information and make informed decisions without the involvement of external forces. To be able to do this, a woman must know the importance of being in charge of her soul, tending and loving it consciously.

HOSEI WOMEN - CELEBRATING THE GIRL CHILD

A girl-child grows up loved and pampered by everyone around her but with the consciousness of being treated as inferior to her male counterparts by people. A lot is invested in her physically, financially, materially and emotionally by her loved ones and the society at large, in making her a responsible but handicapped Individual. Handicapped by the double standards imposed on the two sexes, male and female by the patriarchal mentality in everyone that surrounds her.

Though she grows up focused, dedicated and committed to making a success of her life, she is restricted and restrained. Her dreams and individuality are screened and subjected to unfair limitations before it can enjoy the approval of her loved ones and the society. So, though she looks beautiful and accomplished on the outside, an in depth look at her, you'll discover cracks in her foundation. Cracks, that though look small and insignificant, happen to be detrimental to, and hazardous to her success and happiness in life.

HOSEI WOMEN - YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL THE WAY YOU ARE

Every woman is beautiful. Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. And I have come to realize that the perception of the beholder is greatly influenced by the confidence and attitude of the beheld.


We come in different shapes and sizes. Different skin tones, dentures, body smell and so on. We are so different that any attempt to compare and compete with one another will be a total waste of time. Instead, it is our responsibility as women to know, accept and love every inch of who we are; spirit, soul and body.

We are spirit beings living in a body, with a soul. We are made up of these three components and they all play an important role in making us an all round healthy and beautiful being. There is no way a person will be a confident, self-assured and secure person without having taken the effort to know, understand, accept and love her body, soul and spirit.

HOSEI WOMEN - TYPES OF ABUSE (CONCLUSION)

 

Abusive behavior should not be tolerated in relationships. No one deserves it, and it's not justifiable for whatever reason. Everyone deserve to feel valued, respected and safe.

Signs of an Abusive Relationship

1. There are many signs of an abusive relationship. The most telling sign is an unhealthy fear of one's partner. If you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around your partner - constantly watching what you say and do in order to avoid a blow-up, chances are your relationship is unhealthy and abusive.

2. A partner that belittles you or try to control you.

3. Feeling of self loathing, helplessness and depression.

To determine whether your relationship is abusive, answer the following questions. The more "Yes" answers, the more likely it is that you're in an abusive relationship.

Your inner thoughts and feelings

Do you:

• Feel afraid of your partner most of the time?
• Avoid certain topics out of fear of annoying your partner?
• Believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?
• Wonder if you're the one who is crazy?
• Feel emotionally numb or helpless?

Your Partner's belittling Behavior

Does your partner:

• Humiliate or yell at you?
• Criticize you and put you down?
• Treat you so badly that you are embarrassed for your friends or family to see?
• Ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments?
• Blame you for their own abusive behaviour?
• See you as property or a sex object rather than as a person?

Your Partner's violent behavior or threats

Does your partner:

• Have a bad and unpredictable temper?
• Hurt you or threaten to hurt or kill you?
• Threaten to take your children away or harm them?
• Threaten to commit suicide if you leave?
• Force you to have sex?
• Destroy your belongings?

Your Partner's controlling Behavior

Does your Partner:

• Act excessively jealous and possessive?
• Control where you go or what you do?
• Keep you from seeing your friends or family?
• Limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?

Facts that prove that abusers act out of will and not because they are not in control of themselves

- Abusers pick and choose whom to abuse. They don't insult or assault everyone in their life who gives them grief. Usually, they save their abuse for the person closest to them, the one's they claim to love.

- Abusers carefully choose when and where to abuse. They control themselves until no one else is around to see their abusive behavior. They may act like everything is fine in public, but lash out instantly as soon as they are alone with the victim.

- Abusers are able to stop their abusive behavior when it benefits them. Most abusers are not out of control. In fact, they're able to immediately stop their abusive behavior when it's to their advantage to do so (e.g when police or a respected family member show up).

- Violent abusers usually direct their blows where they won't show.  Rather than acting out in a mindless rage, many physically violent abusers carefully aim their kicks and punches where the bruises and marks won't show.

The cycle of violence/abuse in domestic abuse

1. Abuse 

The abuser lashes out with aggressive, belittling or violent behavior. The abuse is a power play designed to show the victim "who is boss".

2. Guilt 

After abusing the victim, the abuser feels guilty, but not over what he's done. He's more worried about the possibility of being caught and facing the consequences for his abusive behavior.

3. Excuses 

The abuser rationalizes what he/she has done, with a string of excuses, or blame the victim for them, anything to avoid taking responsibility.

4. Normal Behavior 

The abuser does everything he can to regain control and keep the victim in the relationship. He/she may act as if nothing has happened, or he/ she may turn on the charm.
This peaceful honeymoon phase may give the victim hope that the abuser has truly changed.

5. Fantasy and Planning 

The abuser begins to fantasize about abusing the victim again. He/she spends a lot of time thinking about what the victim has done wrong and how he/she will make the victim pay. Then he/she makes a plan for turning the fantasy of abuse into reality.

6. Set-up 

The abuser sets the victim up and puts his/her plan in  motion, creating a situation where he/she can justify abusing the victim. The abuser's apologies and loving gestures in between the episodes of abuse can make it difficult for the victim to leave. The abuser makes the victim believe that he/she is the only one that can help save him/her. Or that no one will ever want to be with the victim again apart from him/her. 

It's painful to say, but the truth is, there will always be abusive people in the world. And there will always be victims that will fall into their traps. However, in as much as the victims cannot be blamed for falling prey, they have the responsibility of saving themselves from such abusive relationships. I'm not saying it's easy. Far from it. Especially for those that are from religious backgrounds or those that are innocent and naive. And that is why victims must never live in denial, but seek for help. The longer a person stays in an abusive relationship, the more terminal the damage done to him/her.

I am not exaggerating. The danger of staying in an abusive relationship is real.

Life is to be enjoyed and not to be endured!

HOSEI WOMEN - TYPES OF ABUSE 2

 
Domestic violence/abuse can happen to anyone, yet the problem is often overlooked, excused or denied. Noticing and acknowledging the signs of an abusive relationship is the first step to ending it. No one should live in fear of harm from the person they are involved with. We discussed physical and emotional abuse yesterday. Let's move on by talking about the other types of abuse.

Sexual Abuse
This is any situation in which you are forced to participate in unwanted, unsafe, or degrading sexual activity. You are being sexually abused when you are forced to have sex, even by a spouse or intimate partner with whom you have consensual sex. This is an act of violence and aggression. Also, a partner that habitually sees to his pleasure without caring about the pleasure of his partner is sexually abusing her.

This type of abuse is one that caused me so much pain, frustration and resentment in my failed marriage. My ex was never interested in giving me pleasure. He was always very rough and complacent. Sexual encounter with him always left me feeling used, sore and frustrated.

There is also the issue of having a partner that practices unprotected sex with multiple partners outside the relationship, only to bring in all kinds of sexually transmitted diseases to the victim. I was a victim of this highly painful and shameful ordeal too. No woman should have to live in this kind of hellish situation in the name of marriage. People whose partners abuse them physically and sexually are at a higher risk of being seriously injured or killed.