HOSEI WOMEN - DO THINGS RIGHT

I know you are bone-tired of the strings of abuse you face everyday.

I know you're fed up with feeling worthless and used by a person you give your all to but gives back only pain and shame.

I know how it feels to wake up in the morning and instead of being thankful for a beautiful new day, you burst into tears, dreading the assault of miseries you'll face for the day.

I know how hard getting up in the morning to do your daily chores and start your day can be. How it can seem to be too much of an effort. All you want to do is to die or runaway.

I know the feeling of suffocation and bondage an abused person feels. That feeling of hopelessness and helplessness. The feeling of shame and lack of dignity. I know. I know!

I know the feeling of wanting to get away from the pain and horror, willing to do anything to make your miserable life more bearable.

My sources of escape when going through this was sleep, dance and food.

I slept anywhere and everywhere. I'll be talking or reading or waiting for my case to be called in court and the next thing I'll be aware of is waking up or being woken up by people around, after having assaulted their ears with my snoring.

I thought I had a sleep problem, it was later that I found out that I didn't. Constantly blacking out was just my body's way of coping with the burden my acute depression places on it. Instead of allowing it to cause me harm, my body will just shut down to recover.

Being a natural foodie, eating was another route of escape from pain to pleasure for me. Especially junk food. I'll buy a two litre Ice-cream and finish it at a sitting. I'll eat piles of chocolates till I lose the sense of taste. I blew up like a balloon which caused me more depression.

I also love to dance, so every praise and worship segment became my favorite part of church service. I'll dance like no man's business. Always drawing the attention and sometimes condemning stares of other parishioners by my rigorous twisting and turnings.

But I didn't care one bit, thinking to myself that "they should deal with my eccentric dance while I deal with getting spiritual, mental and emotional healing from my dance". Lol!

These three activities were my escape routes. I would love to know yours. Please share with me in the comment box.

I know every Victim should say No to abuse, but divorce is not the only way to do that. And while leaving can be temporary or permanent, it takes a process of time and events to know which is best for your individual case. You must follow the right process and way of leaving an abusive relationship so that you don't end up worse off than you are, and so that you do not have a cause of regret later on.

I wanted out of my failed marriage months into it, and it was months only because I did not have the courage to even admit I wanted out to myself. It took me two whole years of agony and pain to voice out to another human being that I wanted out.

This is because I'm from a conservative religious background where divorce is seen as a taboo. I became a born again Christian at the age of seventeen (17) and the teaching of the church is that God hates divorce and anyone that loves God must never entertain it.

And I love God. I love Him so much for He first loved me. Losing Him was not an option for me. I made up my mind early in my traumatic failed marriage that I wasn't going to lose my faith in God no matter what. So even after voicing out my desire to leave the relationship, I decided divorce was not an option.

It was when I was losing my mind and dying that I decided to separate myself from my abuser even if I could not have the option of divorce as a good Christian. (I now know better about God and Divorce, but that's a topic for another day).

Though I voiced out my desire for separation two years into my failed marriage, I did not physically leave until the fourth year.

It wasn't fear that made me stay that long, though I was afraid. And whatever feeling I thought I had for my Ex was long dead (left was my care for him as a human being). I stayed those extra years because God didn't allow me to leave.

I didn't understand the reason then. In fact I felt God was punishing me for a reason.

However, in retrospect I now understand why He made me stay those extra years.

When you leave an abusive relationship, you leave more than your Abuser. You leave behind so many other things that are dear to you.

You leave behind broken dreams, the love of in-laws that matter to you, neighbors and mutual close friends that are dear to you. Sometimes your own family members and children.

You leave behind your identity as a married respected woman. You leave behind whatever security the marriage affords you and so on.

And you take with you the pain of a failed marriage. The disappointment of wasted years and effort. You take with you personal insecurities and a damaged self confidence/esteem.

You take with you a lot of issues that you'll have to deal with to heal and enjoy a second chance to life.

And you are also given a despicable tag to say the least. The human-given tag of being perceived a failure, an irresponsible woman, a weak and characterless woman, a betrayer, a despirado, a slut, a faithless person. The list goes on.

Then people think they can treat you disrespectfully, because you did the unthinkable by fighting for your life.

So unfair isn't it? Being accused of exactly the things that were done to you!

But like I always say, that's life for you.

So when you leave the dungeon of abuse, you'll enter the dungeon of societal judgement. And you have to be prepared for that, armed with necessary weapons of war and victory.

For if you are not strong and ready for this, you might never survive it.

The extra two years was a training period for me. To harden me to human judgements, criticism and cruelty. To breed in me a strong belief in my God and myself, the only two necessary components for victory. To form personal opinions, knowledge, revelations and convictions about God and life.

To be prepared and put in place things necessary for the success of the second chance I so crave for.

I'm sharing my experience to encourage you not to be hasty. Do things right.

In the process of so doing, you give room for what's best for you to happen. You become persuaded that whatever happens is meant to be.

The truth is, to be a victim of abuse, you must have unknowingly allowed the abuse. By not having a healthy relationship with yourself one way or the other. Maybe because of a negative childhood experience(s) or past incidence in your life.

You have personal foundational issues to deal with and make peace with, to be able to say No to abuse from others. It's a process Sis! Don't jump the line. Do things right. I know you can.

To be able to cope with the issues you'll face when you leave, you must have mastered the act of coping with the abusive situation you're in right now. You don't leave as a coward, you leave in full control and confidence.

However, for those that are suffering from physical abuse and you know your life is at risk, it is okay to go through this process in safety.

For counseling, inbox me at hosei7773@gmail.com or call the +2347089333550.

Remember, Life is to be enjoyed and not to be endured!