Domestic violence/abuse can happen to anyone, yet the problem is often overlooked, excused or denied. Noticing and acknowledging the signs of an abusive relationship is the first step to ending it. No one should live in fear of harm from the person they are involved with. We discussed physical and emotional abuse yesterday. Let's move on by talking about the other types of abuse.
Sexual Abuse
This is any situation in which you are forced to participate in unwanted, unsafe, or degrading sexual activity. You are being sexually abused when you are forced to have sex, even by a spouse or intimate partner with whom you have consensual sex. This is an act of violence and aggression. Also, a partner that habitually sees to his pleasure without caring about the pleasure of his partner is sexually abusing her.
This type of abuse is one that caused me so much pain, frustration and resentment in my failed marriage. My ex was never interested in giving me pleasure. He was always very rough and complacent. Sexual encounter with him always left me feeling used, sore and frustrated.
There is also the issue of having a partner that practices unprotected sex with multiple partners outside the relationship, only to bring in all kinds of sexually transmitted diseases to the victim. I was a victim of this highly painful and shameful ordeal too. No woman should have to live in this kind of hellish situation in the name of marriage. People whose partners abuse them physically and sexually are at a higher risk of being seriously injured or killed.
Economic/Financial Abuse
This is any act intended to frustrate the victim's earning power, access to money or credit cards, efforts to advance or improve on work opportunities. Rigidly controlling the victim's finances, withholding money from the victim, withholding basic necessities from the victim and so on.
Abusers of this kind prevent their victims from working or choosing a career of their choice. They sabotage the victim's work by making them miss work, going to embarrass the victim at his/her workplace or harassing them with constant phone calls.
Financial/economic abuse has many faces, which makes it difficult to define. However, to know whether you're a victim or not, ask yourself if you feel restricted, hindered or oppressed financially by the action or inaction of your partner. If the answer is yes, then you are a victim of financial/economic abuse.
I suffered this type of abuse severely in my failed marriage. I'll leave the details for another write up. I'll however say here that this particular abuse exposes the victim to so many other abuses that the best way to qualify it is to say it is "dehumanizing". People generally think abusers do what they do because they are helpless and not able to control their destructive behavior/actions. This is far from the truth.
The abuser's abusive behavior and violence is a deliberate choice made in order to control the victim. Abusers use a variety of tactics to manipulate and exert their power over the victim.
- Dominance
Abusive individuals need to feel in charge of the relationship. They will make unilateral decisions for the victim on what to do and expect obedience without questioning. The abuser treats the victim like a servant, child, or even as his/her possession.
- Humiliation
An abuser will do everything he/she can to make the victim feel bad about him/herself, or feel defective in some way. After all, when the victim believes he/she is worthless, and that no one else will want him/her, the victim will be less likely to leave. Insults, name calling, public put-downs and shaming are all weapons of abuse designed to erode the self esteem of the victim, to make the victim feel powerless.
- Isolation
In order to increase the victim's dependence on him/her, the abusive partner cuts the victim off from the outside world.
He/She may prevent the victim from seeing family members and friends, or even prevent the victim from going to work or school. The victim must ask for permission to do anything or go anywhere, or see anyone.
- Threats
Abusers commonly use threats to keep their partners from leaving or to scare them into dropping charges against them. They may threaten to kill, hurt the victim or the children, threaten to commit suicide or emotionally blackmail the victim.
- Intimidation
The Abuser may use a variety of intimidation tactics designed to scare the victim into submission. Such tactics include making threatening looks or gestures, smashing things in front of the victim, destroying property, putting weapons on display. The clear message to the victim is that "if you don't obey, there will be violent consequences".
- Denial and blame
Abusers are very good at making excuses for the inexcusable. They will blame their abusive and violent behavior on a bad childhood, a bad day, and even on the victims of their abuse. An abusive partner may often minimize the abuse or deny that it occurred. He or she will commonly shift the responsibility on the victim. Somehow, according to an abuser, his/her abusive and violent behavior is the victim's fault.
I was thinking I'll round up on this topic today, but to do justice to it, I must include some unknown secrets about abusers and clear long standing wrong perceptions about their acts. I'll do that tomorrow by God's grace. Take care and lots of love.
Life is to be enjoyed and not to be endured!
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