Children are such a source of joy and blessing. They fill our lives and hearts with love so deep it hurts. I have always had a soft spot for children. Tendering to the children of busy mums is a hobby of mine. So the painful disappointment I felt when I didn't get
pregnant during my failed marriage wasn't a surprise to me. Despite the
fact that the marriage was a source of shame and pain for me, I
convinced myself that having a baby would make things better. This belief
was planted in me by well meaning family members and friends, and I
desperately believed it to be true.
So I channeled all my energy and frustration into getting
pregnant. You will think that meant constant sexual relations with my
partner, isn't it? That would have been the natural/rational thing to
do. But since my ex was more an absentee husband than an engaged one,
that wasn't a possible option. All sexual relations had to be planned for
and plenty of reminders drummed into his ears before he will make
himself available for the deed. Especially if the purpose of the deed
is for me to conceive.
Being fully aware of my ex's nonchalant attitude and lack
of interest in our relationship, and after being informed by my doctor
that there was no medical reason for my inability to conceive, I kept
torturing myself with all kinds of fertility injections and treatments.
It was easier to get money from my ex for the treatments than to have him
at home to solve our fertility challenge the natural way. But because I was desperate for any gleam of hope, I closed
my eyes to all these and convinced myself that if only I got pregnant,
everything would be alright. I was desperate to have a child to hold and
love. To have someone to remove the emptiness I felt in the depth of my
being. Someone to lessen the dead weight of loneliness and sorrow in my
life.
So I decided to ignore my ex's discouraging attitude. I
pushed on with the desire to have something good come out of the
disastrous situation I found myself. It took a major reality check to get me to my senses. A
big blow that made me realize and face the truth that having a baby can
not and will not solve the problems of/in an unhealthy marriage. It might distract the parties from their unresolved marital
issues for a while, but those issues will surely resurface soon enough,
and with them, the additional problems of involving an innocent child
in the toxic relationship.
An innocent life that will forever bear the pain and scars
of the selfish deeds of the two people that are supposed to care and
protect him/her in life. No child deserves that. Until two people in a relationship have dealt with whatever
issues in their relationship that creates a toxic atmosphere/environment in the relationship, they shouldn't give birth to
a child. Until the relationship is healthy and mutually fulfilling, and
you are sure you are both committed to the success of the relationship,
please don't conceive. In a situation where the couple in a toxic relationship
already have children, using the children as an excuse for keeping alive
a dead and damaging relationship is wrong. If you ask any child from an abusive and hostile marriage
whether he/she wants the environment they find themselves, they will say
a capital No.
Such homes are unhealthy and damaging for the kids. Though
the kids love both their parents, they are constantly put in the
position of choosing who to side with and support. The best thing such
parents should do is to work on their relationship and make it succeed
or they should love their kids and themselves enough to end the marriage
and create a healthy relationship/environment for all concerned. There is no reason to make life unnecessarily complicated
for ourselves. Either make your marriage work or end it. A union that is
not filled with love, mutual respect and fear of God is a sham.
It's shameful how some parents are so selfish and
irresponsible towards the children they claim to love so much. They
want a home with kids but they are not willing to do the things that
will create a healthy and conducive environment necessary for the well-being of their children. The man is busy spending all his spare time in clubs and sleeping around town, having no time for his wife and children. The woman, instead of facing her problems and making a
choice to deal with them and do whatever is necessary for a positive change
for herself and her children, buries herself in crying and lamentations.
She is numb with pain and depression. She shuts out the world,
wallowing in self pity, regret and bitterness. Crying before the
children, over-burdening their tender hearts with issues beyond their
comprehension and control. Confusing these precious kids with
conflicting emotions, turning them into nervous wrecks. They develop
personality disorders and emotional issues that will hunt them for the
rest of their lives.
Parents! Mothers!! Please stop the vicious cycle of raising
damaged children that will end up repeating the same process with their
children. If you are not happy with your marriage, do something about
it. And if all efforts fail for whatever reason, be courageous enough to
put an end to the toxic relationship. Human beings are not conditioned
to stay in an unhappy environment. It kills and destroys the morale of
all involved. If the marriage fails, you can at least ensure that not
everything and everyone are destroyed in the process.
Our parents made the mistake of placing appearances above
the happiness and well-being of their children and their lives, we can
see the effects of their mistake in the fact that history keeps
repeating itself. Most of the mistakes we make in our lives are as a
result of the foundational problems caused by the dysfunctional
homes/relationships we were brought up in. The mistakes and errors made
by parents live on in the lives of their children if they are not
addressed and corrected. Lets stop playing the victim and start actively molding
and fashioning our destinies. Lets remove all mental restrictions and
handicapped beliefs from our reasoning. The power for change is in our
hands.
The future of our children depends on the quality of the
legacy we hand over to them. Lets stop passing the legacy of weakness,
shame, reproach, abuse, mismanaged lives, lies, regret, helplessness and
cowardice to them. And start handing over to our children the legacy of
hope, courage, love, confidence, positive self image, boldness,
honesty, integrity, compassion, respect, honour, dignity, conviction,
achievements and pride to them.
Life is to be enjoyed and not to be endured!
No comments:
Post a Comment