It is not easy to admit to yourself, talk less of other people that your partner is abusive. We make excuses for their abusive acts and justify their conducts. It's easier for us to bear the pain when we consider our ordeals as normal and general. We say things like "That is how men are", "It's because he is an African man", "That is his own way of expressing love", "I'm immature and expecting too much", "Marriage is not a bed of roses" and so on.
But I assure you, not all men are abusive, there are lots of African men that are respectful and decent to women. Real love will not be expressed through abuse, you're not being immature or expecting too much for wanting to be treated with love and respect, and marriage is a bed of roses!
We silence the voice of our intuition, firmly resisting anything that will make us look closely and admit the fact that we are being abused by our partners. However, the truth is, denial will only prolong your ordeal and worsen the situation. Every time you overlook or excuse abuse, you're validating and consenting to the abuse.
This will make the abuser bolder and more vindictive. Abusers are human beings that have a problem with abuse. Just like some people have problem with alcohol, or drugs, or food etc. The only way to help these people is to help them face their problem and deal with it. But that will not happen if the abused is not ready to admit that the partner is abusive. If you are unsure of whether you are being abused or not, there is a sure "Indicator Test" that will reveal the truth to you. I know this because it worked for me. It took me a long time to finally admit to myself that I was being abused by my Ex.
This was because he never lifted his hands to beat me throughout the four year period of the failed marriage.
Never assaulted me physically no matter how aggressive I was. And I was sometimes very physically aggressive whenever I get overwhelmed with his irresponsible deeds. The worst he ever did to me physically was to push me away during one of my hysterical moments, and that happened only once. Like most people, because of the prevailing orientation, I believed I was not being abused since my Ex wasn't assaulting me physically. But I also knew that something bad was being done to me. I didn't have a name for it, because the only word that would have explained my situation seems not to be appropriate. That is the word "Abuse". Since what was being done to me was not physical,
I decided to analyze my feelings and the things that trigger those feelings. That was when I hit a jackpot of discovery.
I wasn't happy in the marriage. I was always feeling deprived and cheated, despised and disrespected. My opinion and wishes did not count in the marriage. I was feeling violated even though I was never beaten. The predominant feeling that can sum up every of my feelings during the marriage is that I always felt "used". And after some soul searching, I found out that I always felt this way whenever I meet the needs of my partner and he blatantly refuse to meet my needs, for no reason. I felt this way whenever I gave priority to the wishes, requests, desire and well being of my partner and mine meant nothing to him.
I felt this way whenever I went all out to see to the comfort of my partner, and he did not deem it fit to be appreciative, but rather felt compiled to criticize and belittle my efforts.
I felt this way on realizing that everything my partner did brought me only pain, sorrow, shame, dissatisfaction, tears, fear and disappointment.
I felt this way when I realized that my partner was not committed to me and the relationship the way I was. That even though I try to always have his back, he hardly did the same, except for the times there are people around to impress.
Then I came to the conclusion after this exercise that the feeling of being used was an abusive feeling. Whether knowingly or unknowingly (this will be determined by the response and reaction of the offender when confronted), the relationship is parasitic. Any relationship that is not mutually beneficial and satisfying is an abusive relationship. The benefits and satisfaction derived might not necessarily be proportional or of the same quality, but at least it must be there, for the relationship to be a healthy one.
The benefit need not be financial or material. It might just be emotional and psychological satisfaction. The point is there must be a mutual advantage in the relationship. If this beneficial or satisfaction element is lacking in a relationship, something is wrong. There is a problem that needs to be addressed, before things get out of hand.
Be bold. Be strong. Face and deal and you'll be glad you did.
Life is to be enjoyed and not to be endured!
No comments:
Post a Comment