Late last night, a very dear Uncle of mine sent a message to me saying that sharing my life story on Facebook will only expose me to negative public judgement, emotional, mental and psychological abuse all over again; that he suggest I should henceforth share my stories as if it happened to someone else. For this will afford me the opportunity of helping people and at the same time protect myself from negative backlash.
I was deeply touched by his love and concern. He has always been protective of me since my traumatic failed marriage. I am aware of the fact that publicly sharing my story is hard for my loved ones, because of the stigma associated with having a failed marriage, abuse and talking publicly about it.
It's unheard of really. It's like a taboo in Africa. You don't wash your dirty linens outside according to an African adage.
So every body keeps quite. Marital abuse is nearly everywhere but everyone pretends it only affect a few, the ones that love themselves enough to say "No more".
It's like there is an unwritten code of secrecy everyone has sworn to, to tolerate and accept abuse while pretending it does not exist.
And our children are dying every day from abuse. Our daughters have become living zombies before our very eyes from abuse suffered in the hands of the people that has been entrusted with the duty of loving and protecting them.
In the name of traditional and fear of public opinion, we cross our hands as parents while the life long investment we've made on our girl child goes down the drain by the act of a man that was not there when we were suffering to train them.
We sit back as friends and relatives, held back by old and redundant cultures and traditions, stifling religious beliefs and weakened humanity feeling while someone we call "our own" is left to perish to the vultures of abuse and exploitation.
My family and I had to deal with a lot of societal judgement, judgement from religious hypocrites, from even some friends and family members. And I'll always celebrate them for the support they gave me, which is a privilege I know most victims of abuse lack. I wouldn't have survived if not for the love and support of my family and close friends.
Judgement from public opinion is one of the major reason people stay in abusive relationships.
Fear of what people will say. As if you need what people will say to become happy, productive and fulfilled in life. As if what people will say will matter when your loved one becomes mental or ill or dead.
In fact, that is when you'll give people plenty to say and what you fear will be given to you in plenty merciless doses!
Fear of public opinion. It has sent many to their grave before time. You can imagine adding unsolicited, unwanted, hypocritical and the wicked burden of public opinion to the burden of personal pain and disappointment, emotional trauma, psychological torture and overall wreckage suffered by a victim of abuse.
But that is life and we've got to live it. You don't shy away from life. You must face and deal. It is what it is.
And funny enough, it is mostly perpetrators of abuse that have the loudest and strongest voice of criticism and judgement, to hide their guilt and keep victims in bondage.
For they know that the liberation of a single victim will give hope and courage to many others to fight for their freedom.
Going back to my chat with my darling Uncle. I said to him, "I understand perfectly what you say and I appreciate the love behind your counsel.You do not want me to be judged, crucified and torn to pieces all over again by people's judgements, but keep in mind that I've been living with that for over five years, since the time I decided to say No to abuse and Yes to my well being. Being harshly judged is not new to me, neither do I allow it to affect me".
For I have come to discover overtime how irrelevant, unimportant and powerless such judgements are as long as I have the right opinion about myself.
Such groundless judgements are like the bark of a toothless dog, it can do a good person no harm.
I have come to realize that the only opinion that matters and that can harm you is the opinion you have about yourself. That is the only opinion that is important to your life and outcome.
Do you have a good opinion about yourself? Do you love yourself? Do you believe you deserve happiness and a decent life? Do you love your children enough to fight for their future? If you do not say No to abuse, no one will say it for you.
It's all on you. The power for change is in your hands. You have the choice to use it as you wish. I encourage you to use it to secure a decent life for yourself.
Public opinion can and will always change. When you base your decisions in life on public opinion, you've failed half way.
I did not get to where I am now by being mindful of public opinion, neither has any successful person.
I told my dear Uncle that "I am only committed to my vow to God during my time of bondage and abuse that if only He can save me from the dungeon I find myself, I'll live my life in helping others to be free. He did and He is helping me to fulfil my promise".
So friends, here is the comfort with which I was comforted. I sincerely hope you'll use it for your own comfort too.
I have decided to gladly bear the pain of bearing my soul to known and unknown people, exposing my loved ones to public ridicule just to render the much needed support to victims of abuse. Some people shunned public opinion to help me in my time of need. I'll shun public opinion to help others."
As a individual, until you learn to shun public opinion, you'll never be your own person. Be true to yourself and your convictions. Listen to your inner voice and shut out the noisy external voices around you.
When all chips are down, it is your life. Whatever is going to be in your life is in your hands.
Do not allow a single error in judgement to destroy your whole life. Your dreams can still come true if you're willing to fight for them.
Life is to be enjoyed and not to be endured!
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