HOSEI WOMEN - TAKE A STAND AGAINST ABUSE

I got married at the age of Twenty-eight (28) as a virgin. So you can imagine my excitement about my wedding night.

After freshening up, I waited for hours for my new groom to come into the bedroom. I went in search of him when he didn't show up, only to find him in the sitting room fast asleep!

I gently woke him up, asking him to come to the bedroom. He opened his eyes, looked at me and turned away saying he is not coming. I thought it was because of the hectic day we had, so I went back to the room disappointed.

Not knowing that that night is just a sample of how my four years failed marriage will be. 

Every night, my Ex slept in the sitting room. Initially he was apologetic in the mornings but after some time, he stopped and became nonchalant.

Every night I'll go to the sitting room to beg and plead with him to come into the bedroom. I cried, made all kinds of rational and irrational promises just to get him to follow me to the bedroom. When all that failed, I got on my knees and begged him to tell me what I've done or is doing wrong, but he had nothing to say. On a number of occasion, I dragged and pulled him, thinking maybe he needed my physical help to move. (Lol).

After a while, I concluded that maybe he has a phobia for bedrooms only to find out he sleeps in the bedroom anytime I had cause to travel or stay out.

I became worried and sad about the situation of things. Desperate to find a common ground where we can meet half way but everything I did failed.

I however noticed that despite my worry and sadness, my Ex was untroubled and happy. And that confused me.

Then from not sleeping in the bedroom, he started staying away from the house for long periods of time, using business as an excuse. Then he started asking me to cover up his legally wrong deeds using emotional blackmail whenever I refused.

Then starts the verbal, psychological, emotionally and financial abuse, and I kept taking it because I believed that was what was expected of me as a good wife.

Even though I always verbally express my displeasure and pain concerning his abusive conducts, and I expected him to change based on that, he never did.

In fact, as time goes by, my Ex became more daring, more irresponsible and abusive. It was a downward spiral from there.

I became confused and very sad. A usually bubbling and cheerful person, I became a shadow of myself.

I prayed, fasted, worshipped, sow seeds in church. Did everything that has always worked for me, just to know what is wrong and how to solve the problem.

Then my intuition told me to start studying the pattern of things. And I found out that it was all a game.

A sick and wicked game is what it was.

A power game I could not understand until I understood the mindset of an Abusive person.

At the root of every abusive act lies insecurity, fear, lack of self esteem, feeling of inadequacy and intimidation.

Each time an Abuser inflict his / her abuse, he/she derives pleasure and relief from his / her sense of insecurity and fear.

The pain of the Victim reinforces his / her sense of power and control. He/She feeds on the pain, despair and sorrow of his/her Victim (s).

Be it physical, emotional, psychological, financial, verbal and economic abuse, there is always the same motive behind the actions of the Abuser. And the motive is to oppress, intimidate, suppress, repress, dominate, control, manipulate and destroy the Victim(s).

And the only way out of this dehumanising and horrible situation is to say No to it. Not only by words (that never works) alone, but by actions.

You must help the Abuser to know his actions are no longer acceptable and that he/she must get help if the relationship is going to work out. You can't keep taking his/her abuse and expect him/her to change.

Don't bear this burden alone. There is nothing to be ashamed of. Every sense of shame you feel is wrong and should be rejected. Confide in trusted and matured people around you. Inform his/her family for record purposes and always carry your own family along. They love you and will be there for you, no matter what. You need a strong support system at this time.

Then if the Abuser refuses to co-operate, then you have every right to save yourself and your children (if there are any).

God is love and good. He hates every form of evil and injustices. Even though He hates divorce, He hates wickedness and evil much more.

I dealt with the abuse in my life, you can too.

Life is to be enjoyed and not to be endured!