HOSEI WOMEN - TYPES OF ABUSE (CONCLUSION)

 

Abusive behavior should not be tolerated in relationships. No one deserves it, and it's not justifiable for whatever reason. Everyone deserve to feel valued, respected and safe.

Signs of an Abusive Relationship

1. There are many signs of an abusive relationship. The most telling sign is an unhealthy fear of one's partner. If you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around your partner - constantly watching what you say and do in order to avoid a blow-up, chances are your relationship is unhealthy and abusive.

2. A partner that belittles you or try to control you.

3. Feeling of self loathing, helplessness and depression.

To determine whether your relationship is abusive, answer the following questions. The more "Yes" answers, the more likely it is that you're in an abusive relationship.

Your inner thoughts and feelings

Do you:

• Feel afraid of your partner most of the time?
• Avoid certain topics out of fear of annoying your partner?
• Believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?
• Wonder if you're the one who is crazy?
• Feel emotionally numb or helpless?

Your Partner's belittling Behavior

Does your partner:

• Humiliate or yell at you?
• Criticize you and put you down?
• Treat you so badly that you are embarrassed for your friends or family to see?
• Ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments?
• Blame you for their own abusive behaviour?
• See you as property or a sex object rather than as a person?

Your Partner's violent behavior or threats

Does your partner:

• Have a bad and unpredictable temper?
• Hurt you or threaten to hurt or kill you?
• Threaten to take your children away or harm them?
• Threaten to commit suicide if you leave?
• Force you to have sex?
• Destroy your belongings?

Your Partner's controlling Behavior

Does your Partner:

• Act excessively jealous and possessive?
• Control where you go or what you do?
• Keep you from seeing your friends or family?
• Limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?

Facts that prove that abusers act out of will and not because they are not in control of themselves

- Abusers pick and choose whom to abuse. They don't insult or assault everyone in their life who gives them grief. Usually, they save their abuse for the person closest to them, the one's they claim to love.

- Abusers carefully choose when and where to abuse. They control themselves until no one else is around to see their abusive behavior. They may act like everything is fine in public, but lash out instantly as soon as they are alone with the victim.

- Abusers are able to stop their abusive behavior when it benefits them. Most abusers are not out of control. In fact, they're able to immediately stop their abusive behavior when it's to their advantage to do so (e.g when police or a respected family member show up).

- Violent abusers usually direct their blows where they won't show.  Rather than acting out in a mindless rage, many physically violent abusers carefully aim their kicks and punches where the bruises and marks won't show.

The cycle of violence/abuse in domestic abuse

1. Abuse 

The abuser lashes out with aggressive, belittling or violent behavior. The abuse is a power play designed to show the victim "who is boss".

2. Guilt 

After abusing the victim, the abuser feels guilty, but not over what he's done. He's more worried about the possibility of being caught and facing the consequences for his abusive behavior.

3. Excuses 

The abuser rationalizes what he/she has done, with a string of excuses, or blame the victim for them, anything to avoid taking responsibility.

4. Normal Behavior 

The abuser does everything he can to regain control and keep the victim in the relationship. He/she may act as if nothing has happened, or he/ she may turn on the charm.
This peaceful honeymoon phase may give the victim hope that the abuser has truly changed.

5. Fantasy and Planning 

The abuser begins to fantasize about abusing the victim again. He/she spends a lot of time thinking about what the victim has done wrong and how he/she will make the victim pay. Then he/she makes a plan for turning the fantasy of abuse into reality.

6. Set-up 

The abuser sets the victim up and puts his/her plan in  motion, creating a situation where he/she can justify abusing the victim. The abuser's apologies and loving gestures in between the episodes of abuse can make it difficult for the victim to leave. The abuser makes the victim believe that he/she is the only one that can help save him/her. Or that no one will ever want to be with the victim again apart from him/her. 

It's painful to say, but the truth is, there will always be abusive people in the world. And there will always be victims that will fall into their traps. However, in as much as the victims cannot be blamed for falling prey, they have the responsibility of saving themselves from such abusive relationships. I'm not saying it's easy. Far from it. Especially for those that are from religious backgrounds or those that are innocent and naive. And that is why victims must never live in denial, but seek for help. The longer a person stays in an abusive relationship, the more terminal the damage done to him/her.

I am not exaggerating. The danger of staying in an abusive relationship is real.

Life is to be enjoyed and not to be endured!